Silly season

Its upon us. The silly season. And I've been managing to feel morose. Daz proved himself the best hubby in the world yesterday buying me -two- bottles of VB which I very restrain-edly only had one glass of. Just enough to relax and stop shouting at everyone. Grumpiness has set in like a bad smell at the moment and I'm really hoping it disappears soon!

Lots of scrapping taking place - lots of avoiding the kids by burying my nose in a project or three. So, feeling ambivalent about Christmas and spent some of yesterday weeping and wishing we were going to my Mum's. Trifle and her Christmas cake and mince pies and ... well, you get the idea. Oh, and extra people to share the excitement of the kids opening their gifts. Mum's like a little kid at Christmas.

Can't think of anything else. Trying really hard to not fall into a cycle of sadness about Dad's passing on 4 Jan. Just makes this time of the year that much more challenging. He's missing out on his grandkids which is the sadest thing of all.

Update challenge (finally)

Well, my new Essential Baby Scrapping friends have challenged all of us with blogs to actually update them!! So here goes...

I've started an altered-items stall at the Hornsby Craft Fair - my first one was on 19 November, and I'm planning on going to the one in February next year (which is when they start again). Learned lots from sitting on my bum all day!! Including that people love a great deal - so I've got to adjust my prices and my craft-making techniques. Also, being in February, I've got a lot longer to create stock!! Thank goodness! Anyway, I'm keen about this and its a challenge and I was THRILLED when people did actually buy some of my stuff. Just need to fine tune it all! :)

Not much going on with the PND stuff - pretty level mood-wise at the moment, which means the medication etc is working. Anniversary of my admission to hospital on Friday week, but I'll be spending it with my new friends, so will manage, I think.

just a quick update

Not a lot to say at the moment - PND seems pretty under control. Which is saying a lot - I managed this week pretty well with Daz working his late shift 12-9pm each day and all weekend together with sick kids and sick me. Actually that's pretty bloody amazing. Last time we were all sick, I landed in hospital after completely flipping out! So I guess the hobby-therapy is helping.

Actually considering going back to work - found a part-time government job I can do from home - so I'm going to apply. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Means I'll probably have to put POSIE even further down the priority list, but it will mean a bit of extra cash in our pockets which can't hurt. And if I don't succeed, well, my back-up plan is to do some more arty type things and try selling them. Canvasses are what I'm aiming at, but also scrapbook, card, and altered-book type things.

Only other thing to add, have had lots of phone calls from students about POSIE over the last two-three weeks - assignment time and they all chose PND as an "easy" one to find services in NSW. I've enlightened most of them to the reality of the situation.

a new venture

A new venture - a handwriting font of my very own! Click on the image above to download the .ttf file.

A long update

Well, I've avoided blogging anything for a while. A lot has happened in the last 8 months. I was hospitalised for PND through December 2005. It was a shattering, humbling, transforming experience. I'm now taking 100 mg of Zoloft each day as well as 25mg of Seroquel. They help me function and enjoy life most of the time. I believe that Ryan's diagnosis with ADHD and having to make a decision about whether to medicate him or not was the straw that broke the camel's back. My hubby and the kids coped but not too well. My mother was wonderful up until the point when she withdrew her offer for us to stay for Christmas. She'd had enough of the two older kids and we had to come home. It was a quiet uneventful Christmas day for us.

A huge blow came in January when I was told not only to get out but get the hell out of the POSIE support group. To cut an incredibly long story short, ***** won the group, the funding, and is now the "co-chair" of a "united committee". Apparently she "can't work with" me. So I'm back to square one with POSIE again. I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail to get funding again for another area. POSIE is made up of just me now and I'm losing drive and motivation, despite my very wonderful Community Service Award from Berowra Rotary. Its hard to maintain motivation without the feedback of those women who so desperately need this service. Its hard to maintain drive when you've been ousted out of your own organisation and watch it be rebadged but maintain all your own hard work and ideas that can be traced back to the very first pieces of paper you wrote about them on... (anyone detect a note of bitterness??)

Ryan started school in February and Ritalin in April. It's been a magical transformation without removing one iota of his personality. Simply stunning that he can now concentrate at school, but highlighting so many issues within our family. Toby's birthday, he walked and weaned about the same time, and Caitlyn started pre-school without a fuss. Toby loves our family day care Mum.

Last but not least, we moved house - we now live around the corner from the old place with a HUGE backyard and a swimming pool. I'm still coping with the change, the most radical differences are a clothesline that can handle 4 loads of laundry, even if it is tilting a little, a LINEN CLOSET!!!!, and each child has their own room. Its amazing what you get excited about after 4 years without a decent washing line and without a linen closet!!!

Sorely tempted today to apply for a full time job so I don't have to deal with the day-to-day anymore. Sure its just the school holidays getting to me. 5 days to go.

So. That's me updated. I'm pretty sure I don't get a lot of traffic on this blog, so I'm not too worried I've let anyone down!

A hard road

Its going to be a hard road - I found it so humiliating admitting I'm a not so good parent, that I let my temper get the better of me and that the oldest bears the brunt of it all. I hate myself just a little at the moment. Well, quite a lot to be honest. I'm not coping very well. My resources are about at their limit and I'm starting that panicked feeling of not knowing where to start...

I know this is transient. I know it will pass. I feel very alone, but I don't know if I can deal with people sharing their story with me. So, chin up! The only way is up from here.

Tumultuous

Well, I haven't posted for a while, again, and things have been quite tumultuous over the past weeks. I asked for help with dealing with my 4 1/2 year old hyperactive boy. A lot of it has to do with the PND, but also my own childhood and emotional scarring particularly from my father. Telling someone was a huge step even though it meant admitting some very unpleasant things about myself. So now I will address my own behaviour and help to repair some of the damage I've inflicted on my oldest son. I guess all this means that I'm finding my way past the depression via medication and beginning to address the unpleasantness surrounding why I am this way. I don't feel particularly strong or couragous in this place; rather I feel a huge sense of responsibility.

POSIE is now going strong. We've had 9-10 people at each of the last two groups and are thinking we may need to expand our group times in order to better cater to the women's needs. We're also making contacts (thanks to the fantastic group of women in the committee) and may receive significant funds to enable us to have an office and some employees next year. Its grown so quickly, and I'm so pleased that POSIE is succeeding. It means so much to me that so many women are finding support and encouragement in attending the group.

Being busy & POSIE

Well, as with many other PND-ers, I've been piling the pressure onto myself and doing far too much with far too little time. Taking Zoloft has been a bit of a god-send, though I know all my problems will not be solved by taking a tiny tablet. At the very least, however, Zoloft gives me the ability to be outside the depression long enough to help resolve some of my grief and sadness. I think watching my children having a childhood reminds me that the power to retain my childhood was removed in many ways by my parent's divorce. For 3/4 of my life I have experienced prolonged sadness at some time during each year. And yet, I see myself as a fairly optomistic and positive person. Perhaps that is the learned behaviour - forcing my mind to see the positive.

So my plan of attack is to continue Zoloft and seek counselling/therapy. And in the midst of all this, keep busy with POSIE! Planning, organising and administering POSIE takes up quite a bit of time. Enjoyable time: time with brain engaged and used. So time well spent.

A whole new PND experience

Well, third baby, third PND. I started taking Zoloft last night. Today is night 2 and I'm wide awake once again and feeling very odd. This is not good when trying to sleep while the 5 month old baby sleeps, and trying to function through the day with three children. Not sure how I'm going to last 2 weeks to see if these start to work. Being proactive, have a home-visit person coming once a week, and may start seeing a psychologist. Except our health fund doesn't cover that at all and its bloody expensive. Got to see just how elastic money can be, I guess.

A pocket full of posies...

I haven't posted in far too long. Its ridiculously late and I should be sleeping. I simply can't switch off. I'm tired enough to fall down and yet I can't seem to. The song "I don't like Mondays" is going around in my head and my mind keeps running over and over various of the myriad of things I have to do for POSIE. I'm debating taking a sleeping pill because this is driving me batty. So, in an effort to attempt to become sleepy enough to sleep, I'm up and casting about for things to do. And here's my blog which I've so neglected in so long.

So much has happened since Toby's birth. POSIE is poised to begin support group meetings late in July. Now that its about to happen, I think I'm ready to move on to the next area to start recruiting and setting up. But my job isn't quite finished here yet! I'm going to have to do a little more to ensure the group is running like clockwork!

Maybe the weather has something to do with this. Its been raining solidly for most of the week and as much as I know Sydney needs it (and so do my neglected plants), I am just a little sick of the wet and damp. And in the back of my mind is always that PND lurking and enticing me to fall down and neglect my responsibilities.

Perhaps I just need a break. Time away from computer, desk, work area, from phone calls, from everything. Time to concentrate on my new son instead of my new group. Its so terribly ironic to feel this way about something I'm so passionate about and which I am simply unable to put aside for long.

I hope spilling my thoughts out here helps... I'll go watch TV for a little while and see if that helps.