Wednesday, September 22, 2004

And now...

Fast-forward to my daughter's second birthday. I'm now 3 months pregnant with my third child. When I suspected and then confirmed my pregnancy, my husband and I talked seriously about terminating the pregnancy because of my history of post-natal depression. I'm pro-choice, but have never been faced with the prospect of terminating an unwanted pregnancy. In the end, I felt I couldn't deal with terminating a healthy pregnancy. I would always wonder about my child and what s/he would be like. So we're keeping it. Still, I'm scared of what next year will bring with the birth of a third baby. I don't know how I'll cope with three children under 5. I don't know how I'll cope with the inevitable depression.

One thing said to me in the post-natal depression group has stuck in my mind since I attended. One of the psychologists asked if any of us (in the group) had thought to move closer to one of our sets of parents when we found out we were having children. It struck me as a supremely sensible suggestion and I wondered "Yes, why didn't we?". This time, I said to Darren, we have to move to be closer to one set of parents. Trouble is, my support base, friends and life is now entrenched where we are. The older my kids get, the more entrenched I get, the less I want to move. Having said that, I know my mother would really help with my older kids when this new baby arrives. Being so far away (350 Km give or take) makes it difficult for one or the other of us to just jump in a car and visit.

So, a conundrum… Do we stay where we are? Do I insist that we have to move and make my husband look for another job, leaving a well-paid job he's enjoying? I hope that keeping this blog will help me battle any pre-natal depression that rears its ugly head. And some small part of me is hoping that the new baby will bring joy into our family, rather than more sadness.

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