doing too much

I've been taking on too much, I think. The tummy-tightenings and tiredness are my little boy's way of telling me to take it easy. Much activity from him now, bouncing around. Dreams are vivid and usually of a nightmare-ish sort. Last night I was busy telling myself Caitlyn had died (but not to be so silly) through the night but then heard her talking on the baby monitor and finally relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Thoughts are still tumultuous at times, pushing myself to remain positive. The tiredness has been overwhelming and I find myself falling asleep when the kids are home watching TV. I'm flipping between imagining how much more tired I'll be when baby finally arrives and trying not to think about it. That's going to be the killer, I think. The tiredness.

I'm calling baby by name all the time now. Its helping heaps, making him a real person instead of just a blob. I'm also starting to wonder what he'll look like -- more like Ryan or Caitlyn or inbetween. Also hoping he'll have Caitlyn's quieter nature, rather than Ryan's activity. I'm also imagining falling in love with him when he comes, taking the time to get lost in him, like I did with Caitlyn. I ache for poor Ryan that I didn't manage that, but then I didn't realise what was wrong with me... At least this time I'll be fully aware.

Feeling positive

Its a long time since I posted -- two whole weeks, I think! I've had the odd rough day, but nothing as awful as before the scare when I thought I'd lose the baby. He's moving around lots now and Ryan was sitting next to me when he kicked the other day. Ryan's face lit up when I said it was the baby saying hello! It was just gorgeous.

The only downer this week I can remember, and it was only fleeting, was going to Playgroup with a friend and her two kids in the car too. She said, "I'm so glad I don't have four kids!" after we got the lot of them into the car. Ryan and the two boys started having a hitting match over the seat, and the whole trip was very noisy. Fortunately its a short one. Still, I thought to myself, "I'm going to have 3! How will I manage?" It was fleeting -- I didn't have time to ponder it really between getting lunch for the munchkins and myself and getting them off for a nap.

Exciting day today -- Darren and I are going to see "We will rock you" and go out for lunch. It will be our first outing alone for months and months. I am so looking forward to it! Its amazing how much you look forward to things you took for granted when you were single or just had one child.