Sunday, November 28, 2004

doing too much

I've been taking on too much, I think. The tummy-tightenings and tiredness are my little boy's way of telling me to take it easy. Much activity from him now, bouncing around. Dreams are vivid and usually of a nightmare-ish sort. Last night I was busy telling myself Caitlyn had died (but not to be so silly) through the night but then heard her talking on the baby monitor and finally relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Thoughts are still tumultuous at times, pushing myself to remain positive. The tiredness has been overwhelming and I find myself falling asleep when the kids are home watching TV. I'm flipping between imagining how much more tired I'll be when baby finally arrives and trying not to think about it. That's going to be the killer, I think. The tiredness.

I'm calling baby by name all the time now. Its helping heaps, making him a real person instead of just a blob. I'm also starting to wonder what he'll look like -- more like Ryan or Caitlyn or inbetween. Also hoping he'll have Caitlyn's quieter nature, rather than Ryan's activity. I'm also imagining falling in love with him when he comes, taking the time to get lost in him, like I did with Caitlyn. I ache for poor Ryan that I didn't manage that, but then I didn't realise what was wrong with me... At least this time I'll be fully aware.

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