Saturday, December 18, 2004

tears before bedtime

It happened. The storm broke today after a few days of not enough sleep and a late night out last night. I exploded at Caitlyn for her terrible-2-tantrum at bedtime today. She kept crying and crying and crying and getting louder and louder. I thought she would make herself sick. I can never stand her tears. I hate to hear her cry more than Ryan. Is this because I fell in love with her when she was born and never seemed to with Ryan? Its not that I don't love Ryan, I just don't feel the same to him as I do to Caitlyn. They're different people. So I smacked her for crying. I shouted at her for crying. I exploded and crashed into the bathroom and cried in the shower forever. I am not a good mother. And there's no reason why I should be bringing another child into this family. I wanted to see my blood flowing down the drain, and as soon as I thought that thought, I said to myself, "But that would hurt!". I then went through why I might have thought this in the first place, and decided it was purely to see a physical result of my agony inside. If I make it hurt outside, will it hurt any less inside? And I know the answer to this question is most emphatically "NO!"

So I wrenched myself out of wallowing. When all I wanted was Darren to wrap me in his arms and say "What's wrong, Darling?" and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to answer. Still, he would have seen the evidence of Caitlyn's drama from many open doors, and heard me crying. When I came out he was quietly and calmly eating his lunch. Part of me was angry. Part of me understood. My throat is sore from screaming in the shower, raging at myself, at Caitlyn for crying and not sleeping, at Toby the unborn, at losing myself in motherhood. A part of me rationalised and said "Redefining yourself in motherhood", but there's always a component of loss of self to grieve over, I think.

So, a sad day. And I was sent to bed by my husband who understands full well that this sickness is in part due to lack of sleep. Feel better after a good cry, but worse at how I reacted to Caitlyn. A good dose of "Be gentle with yourself" for a week or more.

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