A long update

Well, I've avoided blogging anything for a while. A lot has happened in the last 8 months. I was hospitalised for PND through December 2005. It was a shattering, humbling, transforming experience. I'm now taking 100 mg of Zoloft each day as well as 25mg of Seroquel. They help me function and enjoy life most of the time. I believe that Ryan's diagnosis with ADHD and having to make a decision about whether to medicate him or not was the straw that broke the camel's back. My hubby and the kids coped but not too well. My mother was wonderful up until the point when she withdrew her offer for us to stay for Christmas. She'd had enough of the two older kids and we had to come home. It was a quiet uneventful Christmas day for us.

A huge blow came in January when I was told not only to get out but get the hell out of the POSIE support group. To cut an incredibly long story short, ***** won the group, the funding, and is now the "co-chair" of a "united committee". Apparently she "can't work with" me. So I'm back to square one with POSIE again. I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail to get funding again for another area. POSIE is made up of just me now and I'm losing drive and motivation, despite my very wonderful Community Service Award from Berowra Rotary. Its hard to maintain motivation without the feedback of those women who so desperately need this service. Its hard to maintain drive when you've been ousted out of your own organisation and watch it be rebadged but maintain all your own hard work and ideas that can be traced back to the very first pieces of paper you wrote about them on... (anyone detect a note of bitterness??)

Ryan started school in February and Ritalin in April. It's been a magical transformation without removing one iota of his personality. Simply stunning that he can now concentrate at school, but highlighting so many issues within our family. Toby's birthday, he walked and weaned about the same time, and Caitlyn started pre-school without a fuss. Toby loves our family day care Mum.

Last but not least, we moved house - we now live around the corner from the old place with a HUGE backyard and a swimming pool. I'm still coping with the change, the most radical differences are a clothesline that can handle 4 loads of laundry, even if it is tilting a little, a LINEN CLOSET!!!!, and each child has their own room. Its amazing what you get excited about after 4 years without a decent washing line and without a linen closet!!!

Sorely tempted today to apply for a full time job so I don't have to deal with the day-to-day anymore. Sure its just the school holidays getting to me. 5 days to go.

So. That's me updated. I'm pretty sure I don't get a lot of traffic on this blog, so I'm not too worried I've let anyone down!

A hard road

Its going to be a hard road - I found it so humiliating admitting I'm a not so good parent, that I let my temper get the better of me and that the oldest bears the brunt of it all. I hate myself just a little at the moment. Well, quite a lot to be honest. I'm not coping very well. My resources are about at their limit and I'm starting that panicked feeling of not knowing where to start...

I know this is transient. I know it will pass. I feel very alone, but I don't know if I can deal with people sharing their story with me. So, chin up! The only way is up from here.

Tumultuous

Well, I haven't posted for a while, again, and things have been quite tumultuous over the past weeks. I asked for help with dealing with my 4 1/2 year old hyperactive boy. A lot of it has to do with the PND, but also my own childhood and emotional scarring particularly from my father. Telling someone was a huge step even though it meant admitting some very unpleasant things about myself. So now I will address my own behaviour and help to repair some of the damage I've inflicted on my oldest son. I guess all this means that I'm finding my way past the depression via medication and beginning to address the unpleasantness surrounding why I am this way. I don't feel particularly strong or couragous in this place; rather I feel a huge sense of responsibility.

POSIE is now going strong. We've had 9-10 people at each of the last two groups and are thinking we may need to expand our group times in order to better cater to the women's needs. We're also making contacts (thanks to the fantastic group of women in the committee) and may receive significant funds to enable us to have an office and some employees next year. Its grown so quickly, and I'm so pleased that POSIE is succeeding. It means so much to me that so many women are finding support and encouragement in attending the group.

Being busy & POSIE

Well, as with many other PND-ers, I've been piling the pressure onto myself and doing far too much with far too little time. Taking Zoloft has been a bit of a god-send, though I know all my problems will not be solved by taking a tiny tablet. At the very least, however, Zoloft gives me the ability to be outside the depression long enough to help resolve some of my grief and sadness. I think watching my children having a childhood reminds me that the power to retain my childhood was removed in many ways by my parent's divorce. For 3/4 of my life I have experienced prolonged sadness at some time during each year. And yet, I see myself as a fairly optomistic and positive person. Perhaps that is the learned behaviour - forcing my mind to see the positive.

So my plan of attack is to continue Zoloft and seek counselling/therapy. And in the midst of all this, keep busy with POSIE! Planning, organising and administering POSIE takes up quite a bit of time. Enjoyable time: time with brain engaged and used. So time well spent.

A whole new PND experience

Well, third baby, third PND. I started taking Zoloft last night. Today is night 2 and I'm wide awake once again and feeling very odd. This is not good when trying to sleep while the 5 month old baby sleeps, and trying to function through the day with three children. Not sure how I'm going to last 2 weeks to see if these start to work. Being proactive, have a home-visit person coming once a week, and may start seeing a psychologist. Except our health fund doesn't cover that at all and its bloody expensive. Got to see just how elastic money can be, I guess.

A pocket full of posies...

I haven't posted in far too long. Its ridiculously late and I should be sleeping. I simply can't switch off. I'm tired enough to fall down and yet I can't seem to. The song "I don't like Mondays" is going around in my head and my mind keeps running over and over various of the myriad of things I have to do for POSIE. I'm debating taking a sleeping pill because this is driving me batty. So, in an effort to attempt to become sleepy enough to sleep, I'm up and casting about for things to do. And here's my blog which I've so neglected in so long.

So much has happened since Toby's birth. POSIE is poised to begin support group meetings late in July. Now that its about to happen, I think I'm ready to move on to the next area to start recruiting and setting up. But my job isn't quite finished here yet! I'm going to have to do a little more to ensure the group is running like clockwork!

Maybe the weather has something to do with this. Its been raining solidly for most of the week and as much as I know Sydney needs it (and so do my neglected plants), I am just a little sick of the wet and damp. And in the back of my mind is always that PND lurking and enticing me to fall down and neglect my responsibilities.

Perhaps I just need a break. Time away from computer, desk, work area, from phone calls, from everything. Time to concentrate on my new son instead of my new group. Its so terribly ironic to feel this way about something I'm so passionate about and which I am simply unable to put aside for long.

I hope spilling my thoughts out here helps... I'll go watch TV for a little while and see if that helps.

Toby Alexander Gibbs: 21 February

Well, Toby Alexander Gibbs arrived just over three weeks early. He weighed 2980g and was 49.5cm long. And it occurred to me a couple of days ago that I should (again) be careful what I wish for. I wanted to have a short labour and easy delivery, I wanted Toby to have his very own birthday and not arrive on one of the many family birthdays through February and March, and I wanted a good hospital experience. Because my membranes ruptured and then labour didn't happen, I had all this -- I was admitted to hospital and got my own room because the baby was still inside. I was induced on a drip on Monday 21 February, had a labour lasting just 3h 45m, and my delivery was the easiest yet with only a tiny tear requiring just one stitch. Toby was literally shot out and they were surprised when he didn't land in the sink across the room. So everything I wanted happened which has given me the strength to manage some of the other crises that happened at the same time.

POSI had to be postponed and I've rescheduled a meeting for a couple of weeks from now. I hope everyone will be able to come!

Symptoms

Here are a list of symptoms from the NHS Direct Online Health Encyclopaedia
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/en.asp?TopicID=609&AreaID=3832&LinkID=2907

• constant tiredness or exhaustion,
• sleeping problems,
• lack of appetite,
• disinterest in new baby,
• lack of motivation,
• panic attacks,
• feelings of isolation,
• sense of feeling overwhelmed,
• loss of sex drive,
• guilt, and
• physical signs of tension, such as headaches, stomach pains or blurred vision.

Some of these symptoms are unavoidable with a new baby. If you persistently experience more than one of these symptoms, which may also include feelings of anger, please contact your early childhood nurse, doctor, or a counsellor as soon as possible.

How this blog works

I've added the diary I kept on my local computer prior to starting this blog (22 Sept). This is arranged in weeks, at the beginning not including weekends, then including weekends and after some time tapering off to entries only one or two days a week.

The numbers for the "Day rating" at the end of each day were supposed to be a way for me to try and track my mood and see if there was a cyclic pattern. I haven't checked that part yet, but the rating went from 1 which was a total meltdown day, to 5 which was my ideal day without yelling at the kids too much and having a nice Mum day with them.

Waiting and remembering

Well, its just 4 weeks to go until the official due date, but I'm hoping its more like 2. I can't bear the waiting and my braxton hicks are really painful. I'm trying to be mentally prepared for this birth, imagining what it will be like, imagining holding Toby for the first time. I was in tears with my husband this morning saying "I wish I'd known with Ryan, that I'd insisted on going with him." I was just so tired after he was born, but I wish I'd known how much it would affect me not being with him. I still love him differently to Caitlyn -- I missed out on that initial "falling in love" with him. It took time for love to grow. I so hope its different with Toby, that I'll get to fall in love with him. I don't expect it will make any difference as far as PND is concerned; if it happens it happens.

I'm overwhelmed by the number of volunteers I've had calls from for starting up my PND self-help support group. 30 so far and still going. And I've had a range of professionals from all kinds of areas and locations! Its so fantastic! I think I'll have to expand the initial mission statement before we even start the group! I so hope POSI flies...