Monday
Kids went off to FDC okay -- was raining and they looked cute in their raincoats going down FDC driveway...
Overall the day went okay. Took the kids to meet Darren at work -- gave them a bowl of smiles/gems in the car and they were fairly happy. Certainly didn't complain like they normally do. Potty training is going okay with Ryan. Have to keep reminding him.
A friend and I cleaned up a bit at her place and then she came back to my house and helped me clean up here -- made it seem like we'd accomplished something and I felt heaps better knowing I'd actually managed to vaccuum. Its just so hard for me to get to do it unless I've got a reason (like someone coming over). Oh, and had lunch at Maccers. Not exactly a hugely marvelous lunch out, but kinda felt like we were treating ourselves.
Day-rating: 4
Tuesday
Ryan did a huge wee on his couch. I'm going to have to watch him with colder weather. Blew my stack at him because he wouldn't let me put a skivvy on and kept telling me "No!". Wish that word wasn't in his vocabulary. I think the morning rates a 3, but perhaps I'm being too hard on myself -- we're doing an at-home day and I've managed to get some washing going in the dryer to try and dry Ryan's couch... We'll see.
Day-rating: 2
Wednesday
Group was okay today. Bounced in feeling quite good at the beginning and then slowly felt worse. Guess because of the Losses and Gains of motherhood that we talked about. Trouble is that I could relate to every single loss but not all of the gains. Some of the gains I felt like I'd failed. Started on the "terrible mother" talk in the head and kept spiralling down. Exhausted by the end of the day and exhausted by the couples session. Could barely think straight at that time of night.
Day-rating: 3
Thursday
Starting of a meltdown. Teary, blew my stack at the kids a couple of times. Just not good. Is it because I've got my period and I just feel like I need more personal space and time to just change my tampons/pads etc? Or is it the elbows in the boobs when they're already sore? Or is it hormones? Or is it being over 30?
Day-rating: 2
Friday
Total meltdown. Convinced I am a child abuser and am according to the definitions at the centre where the group is being held. Ended up in a crying soggy mess on the kitchen floor when Darren got home and couldn't talk to him about it. Finally confessed on Saturday morning.
Day-rating: 1
Friday, February 27, 2004
Friday, February 20, 2004
Week ending Feb 20
Monday
Not too bad a day. Worried about Caitlyn's snotty nose, but she was alright at day care. Visited a friend of a friend's with a new baby (2 weeks) and talked about all kinds of things, including sex, relationships etc. It was sooooo nice!! Haven't done it in so long, I'd almost forgotten what its like.
My hearing test went okay. There's been some deterioration in my left ear around the same range as my right which is why things have been sounding odd. The Audiologist was really good and he said a hearing aid really wouldn't help the type of loss I've got. He suggested taking it easy and reserving energy and simply having a quiet time with no sound or minimal sound -- relaxing time to just re-group and re-vitalise. Guess burying myself in my book for an hour or so every day is okay! And no wonder I cope less well on the weekend with the constant noise from TV, Darren and the kids. The audiologist said I could concentrate on one sound at a time and that's all. Kinda depressing -- means the social calendar will be difficult. But at least I know now.
Day-rating: 4
Tuesday
Not a really brilliant day. Can't really remember what happened. End of the day was great though -- Ryan did wees in the potty! :) Felt a bit less of a failure after that.
Day-rating: 3
Wednesday
Morning at the PND group. Kids settled into Turra-Tots okay and I think if I'm going to use occasional care in the future it will be there. Then we stopped at Wahroonga park to let the kids run around. Think I let Caitlyn get too cold... Both of them so worn out they barely ate dinner which was just vegemite toast anyway. Quiet day at home tomorrow.
Day-rating: 4
Thursday
Spent all morning cleaning the potty after a few drizzles of wee. Ryan's got this idea that its fun to flush the toilet and will do so several times after pouring in the wee but recognises that Mummy's not impressed when he does it without a wee -- so he does little wees in the potty and goes and dumps them -- like 5 in a row, or more. And each time I've got to disinfect the pot and the loo (cos he inevitably splashes) and its driving me nuts!
Keep getting these breathless feelings and feeling like I'm going to go mad if the kids come near me one more time. I think its panic-attacks. Might ask at the group next week. I'm so sick of being angry. I'm so sick of yelling. I'm so sick of feeling tired and worn down all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like its a constant war with the kids.
Changed the sheets on the bed and feel a bit better. Should go fold washing while the kids are sleeping. Resent doing chores while they're quiet and its quiet. Want to just have a rest on my own doing something that's not related to them. Sorted out some more books in the garage trying to find the 3rd book in the Julian May series I'm reading. Instead, found a bunch of Terry Pratchett which I KNOW will make my mindset more positive. I love his wry character Rincewind -- I totally grok him!
Day-rating: 3
Friday
Had a great day at playgroup -- bussed there and back and the kids were fairly okay on the way home. Caitlyn didn't sleep for long enough, I don't think. Darren was a bit late home. Felt a bit stretched by the time he did get back, but decided not to hold back dinner for the kids. They had leftover strog and actually ate most of it.
Day-rating: 4
Not too bad a day. Worried about Caitlyn's snotty nose, but she was alright at day care. Visited a friend of a friend's with a new baby (2 weeks) and talked about all kinds of things, including sex, relationships etc. It was sooooo nice!! Haven't done it in so long, I'd almost forgotten what its like.
My hearing test went okay. There's been some deterioration in my left ear around the same range as my right which is why things have been sounding odd. The Audiologist was really good and he said a hearing aid really wouldn't help the type of loss I've got. He suggested taking it easy and reserving energy and simply having a quiet time with no sound or minimal sound -- relaxing time to just re-group and re-vitalise. Guess burying myself in my book for an hour or so every day is okay! And no wonder I cope less well on the weekend with the constant noise from TV, Darren and the kids. The audiologist said I could concentrate on one sound at a time and that's all. Kinda depressing -- means the social calendar will be difficult. But at least I know now.
Day-rating: 4
Tuesday
Not a really brilliant day. Can't really remember what happened. End of the day was great though -- Ryan did wees in the potty! :) Felt a bit less of a failure after that.
Day-rating: 3
Wednesday
Morning at the PND group. Kids settled into Turra-Tots okay and I think if I'm going to use occasional care in the future it will be there. Then we stopped at Wahroonga park to let the kids run around. Think I let Caitlyn get too cold... Both of them so worn out they barely ate dinner which was just vegemite toast anyway. Quiet day at home tomorrow.
Day-rating: 4
Thursday
Spent all morning cleaning the potty after a few drizzles of wee. Ryan's got this idea that its fun to flush the toilet and will do so several times after pouring in the wee but recognises that Mummy's not impressed when he does it without a wee -- so he does little wees in the potty and goes and dumps them -- like 5 in a row, or more. And each time I've got to disinfect the pot and the loo (cos he inevitably splashes) and its driving me nuts!
Keep getting these breathless feelings and feeling like I'm going to go mad if the kids come near me one more time. I think its panic-attacks. Might ask at the group next week. I'm so sick of being angry. I'm so sick of yelling. I'm so sick of feeling tired and worn down all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like its a constant war with the kids.
Changed the sheets on the bed and feel a bit better. Should go fold washing while the kids are sleeping. Resent doing chores while they're quiet and its quiet. Want to just have a rest on my own doing something that's not related to them. Sorted out some more books in the garage trying to find the 3rd book in the Julian May series I'm reading. Instead, found a bunch of Terry Pratchett which I KNOW will make my mindset more positive. I love his wry character Rincewind -- I totally grok him!
Day-rating: 3
Friday
Had a great day at playgroup -- bussed there and back and the kids were fairly okay on the way home. Caitlyn didn't sleep for long enough, I don't think. Darren was a bit late home. Felt a bit stretched by the time he did get back, but decided not to hold back dinner for the kids. They had leftover strog and actually ate most of it.
Day-rating: 4
Friday, February 13, 2004
Week ending Feb 13
Monday
Kids went to family day care as usual. Caitlyn very clingy and I had difficulty letting her go and hated seeing her cry. But I guess the way they greeted me at the end of the day was excellent! Caitlyn had the biggest grin and wouldn't let me go. Ryan was pretty insistent too.
Went to a friend's in the afternoon and watched a girlie movie. Was good... Hope she wasn't too put out by my turning up, but I brought food...
Day-rating: 3
Tuesday
Stayed at home -- was really hot. We didn't do much. Sense of not wanting to get out from under the blankets... No explosions that I remember, but an overall sense of just wanting to hide. Battled with Ryan about using the toilet again. Its a constant war.
Day-rating: 2
Wednesday
Wanted to hide away again today. Stayed at home and skipped Mother's group. Another Mum rang and we chatted for a bit which was good.
Day-rating: 2
Thursday
An old school friend rang me today! She's off to Sydney then Paris tonight and to Cambridge for 3 years. WOW! Its really incredible and so amazing! She's so lucky. Overall feeling of wanting to hide still. Couldn't hear my friend well on the phone so now wondering if my hearing has a lot to do with this hiding feeling. Looking forward to Playgroup tomorrow.
Day-rating: 2
Friday
Playgroup was great! Leader's hubby got a job so she was so happy. I made a big effort to talk to most people and tried to be up. And I think I was. Came crashing down this afternoon -- cardmaking was cancelled. Now I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. And Darren was planning on watching wrestling, so I don't want to mess up his night. Forgot to ask Carolyn about babysitters. Perhaps I'll go do the shopping.
AM-rating: 5
PM-rating: 2
Kids went to family day care as usual. Caitlyn very clingy and I had difficulty letting her go and hated seeing her cry. But I guess the way they greeted me at the end of the day was excellent! Caitlyn had the biggest grin and wouldn't let me go. Ryan was pretty insistent too.
Went to a friend's in the afternoon and watched a girlie movie. Was good... Hope she wasn't too put out by my turning up, but I brought food...
Day-rating: 3
Tuesday
Stayed at home -- was really hot. We didn't do much. Sense of not wanting to get out from under the blankets... No explosions that I remember, but an overall sense of just wanting to hide. Battled with Ryan about using the toilet again. Its a constant war.
Day-rating: 2
Wednesday
Wanted to hide away again today. Stayed at home and skipped Mother's group. Another Mum rang and we chatted for a bit which was good.
Day-rating: 2
Thursday
An old school friend rang me today! She's off to Sydney then Paris tonight and to Cambridge for 3 years. WOW! Its really incredible and so amazing! She's so lucky. Overall feeling of wanting to hide still. Couldn't hear my friend well on the phone so now wondering if my hearing has a lot to do with this hiding feeling. Looking forward to Playgroup tomorrow.
Day-rating: 2
Friday
Playgroup was great! Leader's hubby got a job so she was so happy. I made a big effort to talk to most people and tried to be up. And I think I was. Came crashing down this afternoon -- cardmaking was cancelled. Now I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. And Darren was planning on watching wrestling, so I don't want to mess up his night. Forgot to ask Carolyn about babysitters. Perhaps I'll go do the shopping.
AM-rating: 5
PM-rating: 2
Friday, February 06, 2004
Week ending Feb 6
Monday
Feeling REALLY flat today. Poor Caitlyn's getting more teeth and feeling a bit woeful. I have to leave soon to pick the kids up. At least I got to Medicare to get money back to pay for family day care today! Totally blew the shopping budget this week... Need to swing by Westleigh and see about getting some sausages for the kids for tea tonight and for the rest of the fortnight.
Exchanged Caitlyn's Christmas outfit from Mum today and got something in a size 2. Will last a bit longer than the other one. Ran into an old neighbour at the shops today. Must remember to call her up and arrange to have a cuppa sometime. She's lovely and I miss living next door. Would have been excellent support with the kids. She's seriously considering selling up -- the son of the landlord next door is being a right pain and she'd rather move than deal with him anymore. She's come into a bit of money and has plans for lots of trips around the place, especially Tasmania. She looks well but a bit tired.
Day-rating: 3
Tuesday
Okay, today was going to be interesting cos Darren had to go in to do a 9:30-6 shift. It was okay til this afternoon. Total meltdown over dinner. Kids wouldn't eat what I made. Don't know why I bothered. Yelled at Caitlyn and slapped her hand for turning up her plate and spilling everything on her tray -- just want to curl up and die somewhere. She cried lots. Ryan tried to suck up. Told him the way to make Mummy happy was to eat some meat. I'm so SICK of throwing perfectly good food away! Why do I bother even making it?? Why do I bother SERVING it to them when I know all they'll eat is rice? How the hell you're supposed to get a balanced diet into a 16 month old and a 3 year old, I don't know...
Day-rating: 2
Wednesday
Felt awful this morning. Wanted to stay in bed with my head under the blankets. The feeling persisted all day and I had to very sternly talk myself into ringing up Mother's group and asking them to come over here. It was good to have had other people about to stop me from yelling at the kids (hence the day rating of 2 not 1). Otherwise, today was an all time low with buckets of tears being wept at inopportune moments. Ryan was fairly good and came and stroked my hair and cuddled and kissed me when I was crying. Still didn't get him to eat his dinner. Darren's leaving me the car tomorrow and I should get out of the house. Playgroup on Friday -- counting down the days.
Day-rating: 2
Thursday
I think today took the cake. Caitlyn got out onto the road without me knowing. A stranger came down the street as I was screaming down the driveway with Caitlyn in her arms. I was to pieces imagining what could have happened. When I got in the car to go to Colleen's, I just sat there for a few minutes and thought it would be so easy to close the garage door and leave the engine running. Except Ryan and Caitlyn didn't deserve to die with me. And I was supposed to pick up Darren from work. How stupid is it that the thought of picking up my husband from work is what decided me that I shouldn't do it. And how much easier would it have been to automatically put the kids back in the house and go back into the garage and do it if he had been coming home another way.
So... I wanted to die. I made it to Colleen's on autopilot, probably driving more carefully because I was absolutely over the top over Caitlyn's grand adventure. I don't deserve children. I don't deserve to be a mother if I let this happen.
Day-rating: 1
Friday
Made it to playgroup on the bus after Caitlyn had had a sleep this morning. It was all good and Ryan was very excited to see their friends coming up the street from their bus. Ryan was pretty good on the bus, as was Caitlyn. Took the pram and managed really well. Might need to find an umbrella stroller to take on the bus and get rid of the pram, I think. Its just too bulky.
Ryan was accused of biting, scratching or somehow causing some injury to another child's face. I don't know what happened. Ryan doesn't bite, may have scratched (but I cut his fingernails the other day because they were getting long) or may have pushed this child, but I really doubt he did anything else. His mother just assumed and kicked up a huge stink. So now I'm relegated to sitting in the music room with the playgroup leaderand helping out with stories and songs. Which is fine. I'll bring along my Useful Book and and Play School songs CD and maybe we can do some new ones. Maybe I could read some of the Dr Suess books. Or the Going on a Bearhunt song...
Thank goodness playgroup is going again. I'm so happy! Its going to be great. I just hope Ryan continues to get better with language so if something like that happens again, I can come to his defence.
Day-rating: 4
Feeling REALLY flat today. Poor Caitlyn's getting more teeth and feeling a bit woeful. I have to leave soon to pick the kids up. At least I got to Medicare to get money back to pay for family day care today! Totally blew the shopping budget this week... Need to swing by Westleigh and see about getting some sausages for the kids for tea tonight and for the rest of the fortnight.
Exchanged Caitlyn's Christmas outfit from Mum today and got something in a size 2. Will last a bit longer than the other one. Ran into an old neighbour at the shops today. Must remember to call her up and arrange to have a cuppa sometime. She's lovely and I miss living next door. Would have been excellent support with the kids. She's seriously considering selling up -- the son of the landlord next door is being a right pain and she'd rather move than deal with him anymore. She's come into a bit of money and has plans for lots of trips around the place, especially Tasmania. She looks well but a bit tired.
Day-rating: 3
Tuesday
Okay, today was going to be interesting cos Darren had to go in to do a 9:30-6 shift. It was okay til this afternoon. Total meltdown over dinner. Kids wouldn't eat what I made. Don't know why I bothered. Yelled at Caitlyn and slapped her hand for turning up her plate and spilling everything on her tray -- just want to curl up and die somewhere. She cried lots. Ryan tried to suck up. Told him the way to make Mummy happy was to eat some meat. I'm so SICK of throwing perfectly good food away! Why do I bother even making it?? Why do I bother SERVING it to them when I know all they'll eat is rice? How the hell you're supposed to get a balanced diet into a 16 month old and a 3 year old, I don't know...
Day-rating: 2
Wednesday
Felt awful this morning. Wanted to stay in bed with my head under the blankets. The feeling persisted all day and I had to very sternly talk myself into ringing up Mother's group and asking them to come over here. It was good to have had other people about to stop me from yelling at the kids (hence the day rating of 2 not 1). Otherwise, today was an all time low with buckets of tears being wept at inopportune moments. Ryan was fairly good and came and stroked my hair and cuddled and kissed me when I was crying. Still didn't get him to eat his dinner. Darren's leaving me the car tomorrow and I should get out of the house. Playgroup on Friday -- counting down the days.
Day-rating: 2
Thursday
I think today took the cake. Caitlyn got out onto the road without me knowing. A stranger came down the street as I was screaming down the driveway with Caitlyn in her arms. I was to pieces imagining what could have happened. When I got in the car to go to Colleen's, I just sat there for a few minutes and thought it would be so easy to close the garage door and leave the engine running. Except Ryan and Caitlyn didn't deserve to die with me. And I was supposed to pick up Darren from work. How stupid is it that the thought of picking up my husband from work is what decided me that I shouldn't do it. And how much easier would it have been to automatically put the kids back in the house and go back into the garage and do it if he had been coming home another way.
So... I wanted to die. I made it to Colleen's on autopilot, probably driving more carefully because I was absolutely over the top over Caitlyn's grand adventure. I don't deserve children. I don't deserve to be a mother if I let this happen.
Day-rating: 1
Friday
Made it to playgroup on the bus after Caitlyn had had a sleep this morning. It was all good and Ryan was very excited to see their friends coming up the street from their bus. Ryan was pretty good on the bus, as was Caitlyn. Took the pram and managed really well. Might need to find an umbrella stroller to take on the bus and get rid of the pram, I think. Its just too bulky.
Ryan was accused of biting, scratching or somehow causing some injury to another child's face. I don't know what happened. Ryan doesn't bite, may have scratched (but I cut his fingernails the other day because they were getting long) or may have pushed this child, but I really doubt he did anything else. His mother just assumed and kicked up a huge stink. So now I'm relegated to sitting in the music room with the playgroup leaderand helping out with stories and songs. Which is fine. I'll bring along my Useful Book and and Play School songs CD and maybe we can do some new ones. Maybe I could read some of the Dr Suess books. Or the Going on a Bearhunt song...
Thank goodness playgroup is going again. I'm so happy! Its going to be great. I just hope Ryan continues to get better with language so if something like that happens again, I can come to his defence.
Day-rating: 4
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