Kids went off to FDC okay -- was raining and they looked cute in their raincoats going down FDC driveway...
Overall the day went okay. Took the kids to meet Darren at work -- gave them a bowl of smiles/gems in the car and they were fairly happy. Certainly didn't complain like they normally do. Potty training is going okay with Ryan. Have to keep reminding him.
A friend and I cleaned up a bit at her place and then she came back to my house and helped me clean up here -- made it seem like we'd accomplished something and I felt heaps better knowing I'd actually managed to vaccuum. Its just so hard for me to get to do it unless I've got a reason (like someone coming over). Oh, and had lunch at Maccers. Not exactly a hugely marvelous lunch out, but kinda felt like we were treating ourselves.
Ryan did a huge wee on his couch. I'm going to have to watch him with colder weather. Blew my stack at him because he wouldn't let me put a skivvy on and kept telling me "No!". Wish that word wasn't in his vocabulary. I think the morning rates a 3, but perhaps I'm being too hard on myself -- we're doing an at-home day and I've managed to get some washing going in the dryer to try and dry Ryan's couch... We'll see.
Group was okay today. Bounced in feeling quite good at the beginning and then slowly felt worse. Guess because of the Losses and Gains of motherhood that we talked about. Trouble is that I could relate to every single loss but not all of the gains. Some of the gains I felt like I'd failed. Started on the "terrible mother" talk in the head and kept spiralling down. Exhausted by the end of the day and exhausted by the couples session. Could barely think straight at that time of night.
Starting of a meltdown. Teary, blew my stack at the kids a couple of times. Just not good. Is it because I've got my period and I just feel like I need more personal space and time to just change my tampons/pads etc? Or is it the elbows in the boobs when they're already sore? Or is it hormones? Or is it being over 30?
Total meltdown. Convinced I am a child abuser and am according to the definitions at the centre where the group is being held. Ended up in a crying soggy mess on the kitchen floor when Darren got home and couldn't talk to him about it. Finally confessed on Saturday morning.