Feeling REALLY flat today. Poor Caitlyn's getting more teeth and feeling a bit woeful. I have to leave soon to pick the kids up. At least I got to Medicare to get money back to pay for family day care today! Totally blew the shopping budget this week... Need to swing by Westleigh and see about getting some sausages for the kids for tea tonight and for the rest of the fortnight.
Exchanged Caitlyn's Christmas outfit from Mum today and got something in a size 2. Will last a bit longer than the other one. Ran into an old neighbour at the shops today. Must remember to call her up and arrange to have a cuppa sometime. She's lovely and I miss living next door. Would have been excellent support with the kids. She's seriously considering selling up -- the son of the landlord next door is being a right pain and she'd rather move than deal with him anymore. She's come into a bit of money and has plans for lots of trips around the place, especially Tasmania. She looks well but a bit tired.
Okay, today was going to be interesting cos Darren had to go in to do a 9:30-6 shift. It was okay til this afternoon. Total meltdown over dinner. Kids wouldn't eat what I made. Don't know why I bothered. Yelled at Caitlyn and slapped her hand for turning up her plate and spilling everything on her tray -- just want to curl up and die somewhere. She cried lots. Ryan tried to suck up. Told him the way to make Mummy happy was to eat some meat. I'm so SICK of throwing perfectly good food away! Why do I bother even making it?? Why do I bother SERVING it to them when I know all they'll eat is rice? How the hell you're supposed to get a balanced diet into a 16 month old and a 3 year old, I don't know...
Felt awful this morning. Wanted to stay in bed with my head under the blankets. The feeling persisted all day and I had to very sternly talk myself into ringing up Mother's group and asking them to come over here. It was good to have had other people about to stop me from yelling at the kids (hence the day rating of 2 not 1). Otherwise, today was an all time low with buckets of tears being wept at inopportune moments. Ryan was fairly good and came and stroked my hair and cuddled and kissed me when I was crying. Still didn't get him to eat his dinner. Darren's leaving me the car tomorrow and I should get out of the house. Playgroup on Friday -- counting down the days.
I think today took the cake. Caitlyn got out onto the road without me knowing. A stranger came down the street as I was screaming down the driveway with Caitlyn in her arms. I was to pieces imagining what could have happened. When I got in the car to go to Colleen's, I just sat there for a few minutes and thought it would be so easy to close the garage door and leave the engine running. Except Ryan and Caitlyn didn't deserve to die with me. And I was supposed to pick up Darren from work. How stupid is it that the thought of picking up my husband from work is what decided me that I shouldn't do it. And how much easier would it have been to automatically put the kids back in the house and go back into the garage and do it if he had been coming home another way.
So... I wanted to die. I made it to Colleen's on autopilot, probably driving more carefully because I was absolutely over the top over Caitlyn's grand adventure. I don't deserve children. I don't deserve to be a mother if I let this happen.
Made it to playgroup on the bus after Caitlyn had had a sleep this morning. It was all good and Ryan was very excited to see their friends coming up the street from their bus. Ryan was pretty good on the bus, as was Caitlyn. Took the pram and managed really well. Might need to find an umbrella stroller to take on the bus and get rid of the pram, I think. Its just too bulky.
Ryan was accused of biting, scratching or somehow causing some injury to another child's face. I don't know what happened. Ryan doesn't bite, may have scratched (but I cut his fingernails the other day because they were getting long) or may have pushed this child, but I really doubt he did anything else. His mother just assumed and kicked up a huge stink. So now I'm relegated to sitting in the music room with the playgroup leaderand helping out with stories and songs. Which is fine. I'll bring along my Useful Book and and Play School songs CD and maybe we can do some new ones. Maybe I could read some of the Dr Suess books. Or the Going on a Bearhunt song...
Thank goodness playgroup is going again. I'm so happy! Its going to be great. I just hope Ryan continues to get better with language so if something like that happens again, I can come to his defence.