Sunday, October 31, 2004

Turmoil, trouble and realisation

Well, what a week! I was really resenting the baby, but on Wednesday morning, I thought my waters had broken. After delivering the kids to their respective child-care places for the day, I finally contacted the hospital. In I went. They checked me over and I felt like a silly chicken. But the upshot was I got to speak to the psychiatric registrar for the hospital and the social worker. We talked about my anxiety for this pregnancy, which has been extremely high. Mainly its centred around having another boy and him being similar in temperament to Ryan. I'm terrified of how I'll deal with him if he's so busy and demanding.

The other upshot was that the prospect of losing my little boy scared me to death. I promised him I would stop resenting him and that I do love him and want him. So I've decided on his name. It just feels right and I'm already calling him by it. I feel a little silly about it, but it helps me attach better and feel something for him -- he's a little person now. I'm trying to daydream what it will be like to hold him in my arms and whether I'll fall in love, like I did with Caitlyn (poor Ryan was whisked away so quickly after he was born, I barely had time to look at him, and when I did finally see him, he was a stranger). I also feel lots of movements when I've been quiet for more than a few minutes.

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