How my journey began

Well, I guess I should write this to an audience, but at the moment the audience is my own head, so I'll start there. My name is Carolyn. I am happily married and have two children, Ryan and Caitlyn, and I am pregnant with my third child. The third pregnancy has been an enormous surprise and I have been battling all kinds of feelings trying to decide what to do about having a third child with my history of post-natal depression (PND).

Originally, I wasn't really sure how this Blog might evolve. What I've done / am doing, is including my computer diary which I began in January 2004 as my New Year's Resolution. I think its important to see the good, the bad and the ugly and for people who are suffering from post-natal depression to know they are not alone in their feelings. PND is an isolating mental illness which affects not just the mother, but the entire family.

My journey began when I attended my first pre-natal appointment at the local hospital at about 10 weeks of pregnancy. I was an extremely anxious soon-to-be mother and dutifully mentioned my family history of depression and my own depression history. My father committed suicide when I was almost 17 and I don't think I ever really managed to get past it. Because I had a history, I was 'flagged' as a new mother to watch.

I think my first pregnancy went rather well. My husband was tremendously supportive and would do just about everything for me when I came home from work and just crashed on the couch to snooze and do little. I had a bath almost every night after work and was suffused with a strong sense of well-being which grew as the baby did. I was somewhat disappointed to find out that I was having a son, but spent the remaining 17 weeks of pregnancy resigning myself to this eventuality. My waters broke at almost 36 weeks while I was visiting my mother in Canberra. I decided to stay there to have the baby. The complicating factor was that my grandmother, Dodie, was dying of cancer.

I sat in hospital for 10 days awaiting the birth of my son, eventually saying to him that if he didn't shift himself out of there, the doctors would do it for him. He arrived the day before I was due to be induced. My labour was augmented and painful, but I managed without any drugs and we had Ryan at 7:30 pm on Monday, 5 March, 2001. He was whisked away to the special care nursery and I didn't see him again until about 2 am. I didn't think there was anything particularly difficult about his birth, I managed the birth as planned and also managed to breastfeed him successfully.
A number of journeys between Canberra and Sydney ensued which included a super-quick naming ceremony run by my grandmother. Ryan was 6 weeks old when Dodie died. A week later my husband lost his job. Up until this point I don't think I was really coping, but I was hiding it from everyone. My son was extremely demanding and fed every couple of hours for the first few weeks. He was average weight when born, but was obviously a little 'undercooked'. He gained weight well, but remained fairly demanding, probably encouraged by my nervous mothering.

As a mother I felt inadequate. I had expectations that I should be able to get all the housework done and meals cooked while managing my demanding boy. I became a wanderer to cope. Apart from mother's group meetings, I would wander through the local shopping mall or head to other larger centres and use mother's rooms for feeding. Ryan learned to sleep in the pram very well and I thought nothing of jumping in the car and heading off somewhere at a moment's notice. Still, I wasn't really coping. And I didn't recognise the signs because they were so different from depression. I was angry and couldn't control my temper and my overall feeling was one of unreality, that Ryan wasn't really my son. I was caught between the dichotomy of blaming my son for my depression, and loving him to bits. I had trouble making decisions and would 'dither' at a complete loss of what to do next. I didn't sleep. And I cried.

I slipped through the cracks of the system (as it was then in Sydney). I should have had help. I couldn't ask for help, I didn't know how. I wasn't even sure I had a problem! I thought it was just me not being a very good mother. I remember apologising to Ryan over and over again through floods of tears that he had such an awful mother.

When Ryan was 9 months old, I fell pregnant again. My husband was still out of work and I had to return to work. We had to move house because our landlords would not accept a short-term lease and had put the rent up. It was horrid. I started seeing a psychiatrist because I was starting to have suicidal feelings. I didn't think this was good for either me or the new baby. I also hated my job – there was a restructure going on at work and I really didn't know where I stood. I applied for reclassification, dealt with my union representatives and generally managed to avoid doing everything but the very basic elements of my job until my second lot of maternity leave began. Throughout all this my husband was still out of work and staying at home with our son. He felt trapped and, I'm sure, depressed too. I encouraged him to join a playgroup or get out of the house more, but he just didn't.

Finally a breakthrough. My maternity leave was due to start in just 2 weeks and my husband landed a job. Halleluia! We had a hell of a time juggling Ryan's care for that two weeks and when I got home, I found I was dealing with a 17 month old complete stranger. I was terrified and had to get to know my son all over again, which is a challenge at 8 and a half months pregnant! We also moved house, thankfully, to a larger home that was just perfect as far as I was concerned.

Things were okay for the first little while. Caitlyn was born and her birth was different, but not nearly as traumatic as Ryan's. She was a healthy 4 Kg baby and slept well from the beginning. Early on Darren and I established a good routine with her and made sure I had lots of support around me. Thank God for my friend Meredith! She would just turn up on my doorstep with her son in tow and the boys would play and she would keep me company and helped me keep my sanity. I joined another mother's group and Caitlyn and I had an outing once a week. Then we joined a playgroup and Ryan had an outing too.

I felt I was managing with minimal outbursts of tears. My husband says differently – he thinks I was off my tree a little earlier than I do. Time rolled on slowly. I got really stressed when I was due to make a decision about returning to work. Fortunately, I was offered another 12 months unpaid leave. Yet by Christmas after Caitlyn's first birthday, I was losing the plot again. Of course, this wasn't helped by the day I was driving down the street to see my husband walking home at a ridiculous time of day. I picked him up. He'd lost his job. Again. [NOTE: it wasn't his fault; it’s the industry. He's a Senior Networking Engineer and the industry is volatile in Australia.]

Christmas Eve Darren was offered another job. Thank God! Because I didn’t want to return to work, which was still as unstable as ever. So ensued the second bout of my post-natal depression. This time my name was added to a list of people to join a PND group run by psychologists at the Childhood and Adolescent Unit at our local hospital. The group was a Godsend. I was able to articulate my own inadequacies, and, most importantly, to find out that I wasn't alone.

A decision to make

After much debate about the pros and cons of having this child (and many floods of tears), Darren finally asked me how I would feel if I terminated the pregnancy. I said I'd always wonder; I would hate myself and I didn't know if I could get past it.

Darren, to his eternal credit, once again reinforcing my love for him and at the same time humbled by what a wonderful man I'd married, said "I guess we're having a baby then." Every time I think about him saying this, I could kiss him again and again. God, I love him!

Pregnancy confirmed

The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I discussed termination with him very briefly.

Evidence

Here's the evidence:


Darren didn't believe it and is sending me to the doctor tomorrow. We're both in a state of shock.

Week ending July 11

Thursday
Out of sorts today, probably cos I didn't get the job at the scrapbooking shop.

It rained this evening! We went and got Darren from work as something to do with the kids. Missed him which probably means I'm dreadfully pre-menstrual.
Day-rating: 2

Friday
Feeling a little low after not getting the teaching job at Penrith Scrapbook Superstore. Disappointed and keep going over how I could have done it better. I should have stuck to something more simple.

Also worried about being pregnant again. Much as I've said I so want another baby, with the grim possibility very real, I'm not feeling so confident. Too long away from little babies, I think, and worried I just won't have enough energy or time for Ryan and Caitlyn.

If nothing comes of the tutoring gig, I think I might need to consider going to Woolies or Coles and seeing about night-packing.
Day-rating: 2

Week ending May 30

Monday
Went to my friend's anyway even though class was cancelled. Walked up and bought some stuff at the scrapbooking shop and ended up with about $40 worth of stuff for $1.85! Was worth the trip, I think and I love the way the albumn is now -- looks much better than my scrappy cheap one.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Stayed at home, don't remember much about today, so it mustn't have been too bad.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Preschool was okay today -- walked up with the big pram/trailer. Was okay. Visited a friend's as well and bought new knitting needles. Needed them for Caitlyn's jumper.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Quiet day at home. Sold the fridge and kids weren't too bad. Got them bathed before picking up Daddy so they were ready for bed fairly early.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Playgroup today! Must remember to make a tim-tam cheesecake for next week and playdough.
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 24

Wednesday
Ryan's first Wednesday at Pre-School. Seems to be going okay. Met up with Fiona R and Simone at the park. Was okay, but Caitlyn is so much more active than the other kids, so it was me running off all the time to play with her.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Quiet day at home, but lots of yelling went on.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
First week for Ryan back at Playgroup. Think he did okay. We did a nature-walk to the Reddy park and picked up autumn leaves along the way. Good day -- tiring but good.

Did scrapbooking tonight and got some good layouts done. Must remember to get more photos printed up in time for scrapping nights so I can actually get stuff done.
Day-rating: 4

Saturday
Stayed at home and did little.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Out to Nanna & Papa's place today. Was nice to go out and was at Ryan's suggestion because he wanted to "see Nanna!"
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 17

Monday
Sorta okay today. Rushed around all day and felt like I was ferrying Darren hither and yon. Just needed an hour to have a lie down, I think. Didn't happen. Then "coffee" at 8 only one showed up. Big disappointment. One by one everyone called. I should have called her early and asked if we could postpone to next week. Regardless, it was a nice evening and I think we bonded.
Day-rating: 3-2

Tuesday
Really good day. Only yelled at the kids when they were doing something dangerous, but nothing was really bothering me today. Just felt okay and managed a short sleep and felt de-stressed. Maybe the bath last night? Maybe the bonding with Simone? Dunno.
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 9

Monday
Don't remember much about Monday -- think I spent some of it with a friend.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
The grind begins. Kids are sick of travelling, already, and kick up a stink getting in and out of the car. Don't remember much else. Evening was good at the cafe with the PND group girls. Swapped birth stories and Bronwyn suggested I do Maths tutoring! :) I think its a go-er!
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Went to the park, I think, eventually. Not sure what else.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Busy day I recall, mostly because of the driving hither and yon.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Trying to get the photos printed today but haven't quite finished the pictures off. Class for tomorrow was cancelled, so went to the Friday night 'til you drop thing. I did the albumn and also did a little bit on a couple of pages. Felt like I got lots done although it was all little stuff.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Everything went from bad to worse and I felt like the biggest idiot and all just because I wasn't going to the class, had planned a child-free morning and didn't get it. Then the photos wouldn't work at the kiosk at Paxton's and it just put me in a spin and I got really pissed off. Finally turned out right in the end and the girl at the shop was nice to me too.
Day-rating: 2

Sunday
Nanna really liked the albumn, I think. I hope so... Got a big squeezy hug and kiss at the end of the day and when I gave it to her. Alright Mother's day, but would have liked a bit of a break from washing children at the end of the day.
Day-rating: 3

Week ending May 2

Monday
Day was okay, don't remember much about it. Obviously nothing significant happened.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Was a good day -- Darren's first back at work and I got lots done at home. Felt pretty good about it, all in all. Even handled getting Darren and feeding time at the Zoo.
Day-rating: 4

Wednesday
Rent is to go up another $15 per week on 1 July. Bit miffed and Darren says we'll have to move now. I don't want to... I talked about it before but wasn't really serious... I like it here. I've just gotten used to it.

Got upset trying to figure out what to do about this whole thing. Decided I'd write a letter directly to the landlord and ask him if we could have a bit of leniency until later in the year.

Also decided teaching is still my best option for the kids with school holidays etc.
Day-rating: 2

Thursday
Darren is so bloody inflexible! I can't imagine work is being difficult about his start and finish times. He's being a pain in the bloody bum and its pissing me off. I'm angry and hurt and upset: "why doesn't he get how hard it is for me to get the kids organised to go in the afternoon to get him?" Its bad enough we're doing this three days a week without upsetting the kids routines so much. They haven't had a decent dinner all week. Now I've got to figure out how to feed them something decent tonight and get to his work to pick him up. I think he'll just have to wait tonight. I can't be bothered busting a gut to keep everyone happy.
Day-rating: 2