A hard road

Its going to be a hard road - I found it so humiliating admitting I'm a not so good parent, that I let my temper get the better of me and that the oldest bears the brunt of it all. I hate myself just a little at the moment. Well, quite a lot to be honest. I'm not coping very well. My resources are about at their limit and I'm starting that panicked feeling of not knowing where to start...

I know this is transient. I know it will pass. I feel very alone, but I don't know if I can deal with people sharing their story with me. So, chin up! The only way is up from here.

Tumultuous

Well, I haven't posted for a while, again, and things have been quite tumultuous over the past weeks. I asked for help with dealing with my 4 1/2 year old hyperactive boy. A lot of it has to do with the PND, but also my own childhood and emotional scarring particularly from my father. Telling someone was a huge step even though it meant admitting some very unpleasant things about myself. So now I will address my own behaviour and help to repair some of the damage I've inflicted on my oldest son. I guess all this means that I'm finding my way past the depression via medication and beginning to address the unpleasantness surrounding why I am this way. I don't feel particularly strong or couragous in this place; rather I feel a huge sense of responsibility.

POSIE is now going strong. We've had 9-10 people at each of the last two groups and are thinking we may need to expand our group times in order to better cater to the women's needs. We're also making contacts (thanks to the fantastic group of women in the committee) and may receive significant funds to enable us to have an office and some employees next year. Its grown so quickly, and I'm so pleased that POSIE is succeeding. It means so much to me that so many women are finding support and encouragement in attending the group.

Being busy & POSIE

Well, as with many other PND-ers, I've been piling the pressure onto myself and doing far too much with far too little time. Taking Zoloft has been a bit of a god-send, though I know all my problems will not be solved by taking a tiny tablet. At the very least, however, Zoloft gives me the ability to be outside the depression long enough to help resolve some of my grief and sadness. I think watching my children having a childhood reminds me that the power to retain my childhood was removed in many ways by my parent's divorce. For 3/4 of my life I have experienced prolonged sadness at some time during each year. And yet, I see myself as a fairly optomistic and positive person. Perhaps that is the learned behaviour - forcing my mind to see the positive.

So my plan of attack is to continue Zoloft and seek counselling/therapy. And in the midst of all this, keep busy with POSIE! Planning, organising and administering POSIE takes up quite a bit of time. Enjoyable time: time with brain engaged and used. So time well spent.

A whole new PND experience

Well, third baby, third PND. I started taking Zoloft last night. Today is night 2 and I'm wide awake once again and feeling very odd. This is not good when trying to sleep while the 5 month old baby sleeps, and trying to function through the day with three children. Not sure how I'm going to last 2 weeks to see if these start to work. Being proactive, have a home-visit person coming once a week, and may start seeing a psychologist. Except our health fund doesn't cover that at all and its bloody expensive. Got to see just how elastic money can be, I guess.

A pocket full of posies...

I haven't posted in far too long. Its ridiculously late and I should be sleeping. I simply can't switch off. I'm tired enough to fall down and yet I can't seem to. The song "I don't like Mondays" is going around in my head and my mind keeps running over and over various of the myriad of things I have to do for POSIE. I'm debating taking a sleeping pill because this is driving me batty. So, in an effort to attempt to become sleepy enough to sleep, I'm up and casting about for things to do. And here's my blog which I've so neglected in so long.

So much has happened since Toby's birth. POSIE is poised to begin support group meetings late in July. Now that its about to happen, I think I'm ready to move on to the next area to start recruiting and setting up. But my job isn't quite finished here yet! I'm going to have to do a little more to ensure the group is running like clockwork!

Maybe the weather has something to do with this. Its been raining solidly for most of the week and as much as I know Sydney needs it (and so do my neglected plants), I am just a little sick of the wet and damp. And in the back of my mind is always that PND lurking and enticing me to fall down and neglect my responsibilities.

Perhaps I just need a break. Time away from computer, desk, work area, from phone calls, from everything. Time to concentrate on my new son instead of my new group. Its so terribly ironic to feel this way about something I'm so passionate about and which I am simply unable to put aside for long.

I hope spilling my thoughts out here helps... I'll go watch TV for a little while and see if that helps.

Toby Alexander Gibbs: 21 February

Well, Toby Alexander Gibbs arrived just over three weeks early. He weighed 2980g and was 49.5cm long. And it occurred to me a couple of days ago that I should (again) be careful what I wish for. I wanted to have a short labour and easy delivery, I wanted Toby to have his very own birthday and not arrive on one of the many family birthdays through February and March, and I wanted a good hospital experience. Because my membranes ruptured and then labour didn't happen, I had all this -- I was admitted to hospital and got my own room because the baby was still inside. I was induced on a drip on Monday 21 February, had a labour lasting just 3h 45m, and my delivery was the easiest yet with only a tiny tear requiring just one stitch. Toby was literally shot out and they were surprised when he didn't land in the sink across the room. So everything I wanted happened which has given me the strength to manage some of the other crises that happened at the same time.

POSI had to be postponed and I've rescheduled a meeting for a couple of weeks from now. I hope everyone will be able to come!

Symptoms

Here are a list of symptoms from the NHS Direct Online Health Encyclopaedia
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/en.asp?TopicID=609&AreaID=3832&LinkID=2907

• constant tiredness or exhaustion,
• sleeping problems,
• lack of appetite,
• disinterest in new baby,
• lack of motivation,
• panic attacks,
• feelings of isolation,
• sense of feeling overwhelmed,
• loss of sex drive,
• guilt, and
• physical signs of tension, such as headaches, stomach pains or blurred vision.

Some of these symptoms are unavoidable with a new baby. If you persistently experience more than one of these symptoms, which may also include feelings of anger, please contact your early childhood nurse, doctor, or a counsellor as soon as possible.

How this blog works

I've added the diary I kept on my local computer prior to starting this blog (22 Sept). This is arranged in weeks, at the beginning not including weekends, then including weekends and after some time tapering off to entries only one or two days a week.

The numbers for the "Day rating" at the end of each day were supposed to be a way for me to try and track my mood and see if there was a cyclic pattern. I haven't checked that part yet, but the rating went from 1 which was a total meltdown day, to 5 which was my ideal day without yelling at the kids too much and having a nice Mum day with them.

Waiting and remembering

Well, its just 4 weeks to go until the official due date, but I'm hoping its more like 2. I can't bear the waiting and my braxton hicks are really painful. I'm trying to be mentally prepared for this birth, imagining what it will be like, imagining holding Toby for the first time. I was in tears with my husband this morning saying "I wish I'd known with Ryan, that I'd insisted on going with him." I was just so tired after he was born, but I wish I'd known how much it would affect me not being with him. I still love him differently to Caitlyn -- I missed out on that initial "falling in love" with him. It took time for love to grow. I so hope its different with Toby, that I'll get to fall in love with him. I don't expect it will make any difference as far as PND is concerned; if it happens it happens.

I'm overwhelmed by the number of volunteers I've had calls from for starting up my PND self-help support group. 30 so far and still going. And I've had a range of professionals from all kinds of areas and locations! Its so fantastic! I think I'll have to expand the initial mission statement before we even start the group! I so hope POSI flies...

Nervously awaiting and Slowing down

I'm just a bundle of nerves. Waiting is the hardest part, I think, and knowing that Toby won't necessarily come early like my last two. I keep talking to my tummy and encouraging him to, but who knows what will happen. I've packed my bag for hospital, his bag and have the cradle all ready to take him. I'm almost 35 weeks, which is when my waters broke with Ryan.

I'm being forced to slow down, which is hard with so many nerves niggling at me to activity. Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions which have been the full range from simple tummy tightenings to really painful and having to breath through them. Apparently because this is number 3 they can be more painful. When I remember to take paracetamol, it seems to help. My head has been a bit all over the place because of the nerves and I'm prone to bouts of tears now. I don't like uncertainty, I guess.

Gettin' busy, nervous & ready

Well, I'm getting busy with POSI after an article appeared in the local paper. Hope to have enough people to start the group very soon. Also nervous about the article appearing in the paper -- it was scarey to see my picture there.

In amongst all this preperation for POSI, I've made time to pack bags for hospital for both Toby and myself. I'm about ready to go, at this point. Now I just have to wait for him to turn up! Bending is getting harder and I'm feeling stressed at certain times of the night. Sleeping is getting difficult too. Tired of the aching hips. Quite sick of being pregnant. A strong feeling of wanting to "get on with it" has been a definate theme in the last week or more. Nothing else to add, I think.

Getting Organised

I've been stressing to the point of panic attacks about getting things ready for Toby's arrival. With Ryan, my waters broke at 35.5 weeks and I am feeling very wary of "another boy" doing the same thing. So I made all these plans to move furniture around the house and get a bit more organised. I've thrown together a box of linen and clothes that I either can't wear anymore or haven't fitted in a while and now there's a space for Toby. The cradle is in my room, his bag for hospital is more or less packed and now I have to work on my bag. I feel like I'm getting there slowly but surely -- its hard work at 31 weeks pregnant though. At least last night I slept well, not rushing over details in my mind at 3 am as I have been doing. So, I'm feeling much more relaxed despite the remaining "mess" around the house. There's a couple more things on my "to-do" list preparing for Toby, but they'll have to wait a little while. Toby's just going to have to fit in with it all, I guess.

The hot weather has been making me snappy. I'm not dealing with it very well at all. But I knew I wouldn't. Feels like my belly can't get any bigger, but I know it will! Can feel Toby moving all the time now, the slightest little thing. Its been very wearing and I'm getting used to it. Need to get on with some needlework and things I can sit back in my chair to do. Will see how it all goes.

Organising POSI: perinatal outreach, support & information; have a meeting next week with Hospital people to try and arrange a venue and some support during group meetings. Hope it all goes well!

posi: peri-natal outreach, support & information

Well, its begun... I've met with the local member and she's keen to see POSI start up. I've been working on it pretty solidly, but now I need volunteers. And a second-in-command. I so hope this works! I really want to see it spread wings and fly! Estimating startup costs at the moment and need to figure out how much it will cost to start a resource library. Costs are to be kept as minimal as possible and the group is not-for-profit. Lots of work ahead, and Toby objects most of the time to being cramped up behind a desk and keyboard.

Doctor's visit at the hospital showed Toby is rather large, or my fundal-height is rather large. But what do they expect! Third baby and all. Bought him a cute little Pumpkin Patch outfit and his first hat the other day. All my kids get trained to hats early and its paid off, so Toby gets to continue the tradition.

Keeping my mind occupied with POSI is helping allay any depression, but it tends to mean my thoughts race at inappropriate times of night. Got to figure out some other relaxation techniques I can do in the dark. Other than that, everything seems okay except for a couple of panic attacks, one at night a month or more ago, the other at the shops this week. Will keep a watch on them.

Teeth, travel & tsunami

Time is a precious comodity at the moment. I can't remember feeling so rushed and yet having such moments of complete boredom which seemed to stretch forever. Did my Christmas cards, which I felt was an achievement.

Managed just about everything except Christmas Day. Caitlyn decided to spend half the night crying on Christmas Eve and it wasn't until about 4 am that we figured out we should give her paracetamol and see if that helped. We've decided she must be getting her 2 year old molars -- its only taken us 3 weeks of nap-time and night-time dramas to figure this out. Paracetamol sooths the savage beast. So Christmas Day all of us were tired, grumpy and generally out of sorts. Kids enjoyed far too many presents, and by about 8:30 pm, all of us were in bed and asleep, I think.

Visited Canberra and my Mum and Grumpy-George. We left them a day early so they could recover; Mum said she'd need a week. All in all the kids were actually pretty good and we finally got them both sleeping in the same room which was just bliss for Darren and I. Was relaxed about the whole thing mainly, but Toby decided to make his presence felt in a huge way and my belly ached for an entire day with lots of lower abdomen pains. Mum suggested he was turning head-down. I can only hope.

Feeling a bit numb -- helpless, tragic, terrible, unbelievable -- about the tsunami situation. Its amazing -- the world entire stopped when 9-11 happened and just 6000 people died. Something like 200,000 in Asia and life goes on with pitiful amounts of money being donated by governments prepared to spend billions on war. A friend has said there's a crate of stuff going over within the next few weeks -- clothing, sheets, towels, toys. A good excuse to cull my stuff severely and get rid of a whole heap of things I haven't used in 4 years. So I now have a deadline. At least this way its going to go to good use for someone and in a very small way I can help.

Thought I'd be really bad this Christmas, but I've been pretty level -- Mum and I missed Dodie. Hope tomorrow isn't too bad -- 16 years since Dad passed away.