doing too much

I've been taking on too much, I think. The tummy-tightenings and tiredness are my little boy's way of telling me to take it easy. Much activity from him now, bouncing around. Dreams are vivid and usually of a nightmare-ish sort. Last night I was busy telling myself Caitlyn had died (but not to be so silly) through the night but then heard her talking on the baby monitor and finally relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Thoughts are still tumultuous at times, pushing myself to remain positive. The tiredness has been overwhelming and I find myself falling asleep when the kids are home watching TV. I'm flipping between imagining how much more tired I'll be when baby finally arrives and trying not to think about it. That's going to be the killer, I think. The tiredness.

I'm calling baby by name all the time now. Its helping heaps, making him a real person instead of just a blob. I'm also starting to wonder what he'll look like -- more like Ryan or Caitlyn or inbetween. Also hoping he'll have Caitlyn's quieter nature, rather than Ryan's activity. I'm also imagining falling in love with him when he comes, taking the time to get lost in him, like I did with Caitlyn. I ache for poor Ryan that I didn't manage that, but then I didn't realise what was wrong with me... At least this time I'll be fully aware.

Feeling positive

Its a long time since I posted -- two whole weeks, I think! I've had the odd rough day, but nothing as awful as before the scare when I thought I'd lose the baby. He's moving around lots now and Ryan was sitting next to me when he kicked the other day. Ryan's face lit up when I said it was the baby saying hello! It was just gorgeous.

The only downer this week I can remember, and it was only fleeting, was going to Playgroup with a friend and her two kids in the car too. She said, "I'm so glad I don't have four kids!" after we got the lot of them into the car. Ryan and the two boys started having a hitting match over the seat, and the whole trip was very noisy. Fortunately its a short one. Still, I thought to myself, "I'm going to have 3! How will I manage?" It was fleeting -- I didn't have time to ponder it really between getting lunch for the munchkins and myself and getting them off for a nap.

Exciting day today -- Darren and I are going to see "We will rock you" and go out for lunch. It will be our first outing alone for months and months. I am so looking forward to it! Its amazing how much you look forward to things you took for granted when you were single or just had one child.

Turmoil, trouble and realisation

Well, what a week! I was really resenting the baby, but on Wednesday morning, I thought my waters had broken. After delivering the kids to their respective child-care places for the day, I finally contacted the hospital. In I went. They checked me over and I felt like a silly chicken. But the upshot was I got to speak to the psychiatric registrar for the hospital and the social worker. We talked about my anxiety for this pregnancy, which has been extremely high. Mainly its centred around having another boy and him being similar in temperament to Ryan. I'm terrified of how I'll deal with him if he's so busy and demanding.

The other upshot was that the prospect of losing my little boy scared me to death. I promised him I would stop resenting him and that I do love him and want him. So I've decided on his name. It just feels right and I'm already calling him by it. I feel a little silly about it, but it helps me attach better and feel something for him -- he's a little person now. I'm trying to daydream what it will be like to hold him in my arms and whether I'll fall in love, like I did with Caitlyn (poor Ryan was whisked away so quickly after he was born, I barely had time to look at him, and when I did finally see him, he was a stranger). I also feel lots of movements when I've been quiet for more than a few minutes.

Week ending Oct 24

Difficult emotions this week. First the elation of going for the ultrasound, the anticipation and trepidation of finding out what gender the baby is, and the excitement of seeing the little one wiggling on the screen. We went for one of those fancy 3D ultrasounds, but couldn't really see his face as he was snuggled up against the placenta.



Since the ultrasound, I've had mostly rough days: exploding at everyone, feeling helpless, feeling unmotivated to clean my house, feeling generally out of sorts. I think there's a good dose of resentment too. I've been feeling baby kick quite a bit more and the reality is sinking in. There's still a rather large chunk of hope that this won't happen. Some disbelief and thinking it just can't happen. Sometimes its surreal. Anyway, I hope this sorts itself out. I'm working hard on pulling myself up short and saying "get a grip; this is real". Its bloody hard though.

Its another boy!

Was so excited about today that I didn't think I'd go back to sleep after 5:15 when I woke this morning. So got up and made a new maternity shirt from fabric I bought in Canberra. Ultrasound went well with no abnormalities that the operator could tell us about. He is a healthy little boy!

Week ending Oct 17

Visited my Mum from Thursday afternoon. Didn't get everything done that we'd had planned, and just being in Canberra put me in a maudlin mood. Kept crying thinking of how much I'll need her (Mum's) direct support when this little one is born. Also watched how much the kids loved Grandma and Grumpy and Duffy-dog, and how little time Mum gets with them. I was also pretty overtired because the kids kept waking up really early in the morning. Despite this, it was a wonderful visit, though I was too tired to drive back on Sunday, so waited til early Monday morning. Worked better for me, though disrupted Ryan's pre-school day a bit.

Week ending Oct 10

Well, the bottom came today. Probably my own fault for not having a nap and generally overdoing it today. Went to visit Nanna and Pappa and kids didn't have a nap, and I didn't have a nap and Ryan got gradually more and more hyper until we started home when he dropped like a lead balloon. At home, I just wanted to get the kids off to bed, no proper dinner, no proper anything. Finally I just started to cry. Ryan and Caitlyn both gave me kisses and cuddles and made me feel like a right a----hole for yelling at them and getting angry and short tempered. I ended up telling Ryan that Mummys get tired too and I was just angry and upset and I needed time alone. I gave them fifteen minutes til bedtime and couldn't find bedtime dummies, so I told Ryan he would be in bed without it if he didn't find his. He was in tears. But it worked. He came back into the room a couple of minutes later with not only his dummy, but Caitlyn's too! Bless him! I kissed him and cuddled him and told him he was such a clever boy!! And, oh, God, how much less stressed did I feel not having to face huge tears at bedtime from two overtired children!

Being an overtired Mummy is worse, I think, than being an overtired child. At least when you're a kid, someone takes care of you. This week has been difficult because Darren's been on late shifts -- 12:30-9 pm. It wears me down having to do all of the care for the kids in the evenings. By the end of the week if I haven't had a meltdown, I'm wondering what happened. I could never cope as a single parent. God knows what I'll do next year when I have to do this with three kids by myself. I keep praying something will change, that Darren will find a magical job in Canberra and I'll at least have that extra support on hand when I need it most...

I'm sure I'll feel better after a good sleep. I might see if there's something I can do tomorrow just for me -- a haircut maybe.

Week ending Oct 3

This week has been pretty good, but then I think the happy-hormones of pregnancy are kicking in. Took the kids to the zoo today, which was an expedition and a half. It rained most of the rest of the week -- got videos to keep the kids occupied for some of it. Most of the rest of the week was just busy, but busy in a good way. Kids still got their sleeps, as did I. Been sleeping when they do, but waking up after about an hour or an hour and a half and feeling MUCH more refreshed than if I just sleep as long as they do. Arranging a trip to see Mum for the weekend after next which should be good. Going to cut out some more maternity clothes and hopefully get some things sewn up as I've nothing to wear and won't spend hideous amounts of money on maternity clothes.

Week ending Sept 26

Well this week has gone by quickly. Once I decided to start this blog, I was driven to get everything online as quickly as possible. I do think its been theraputic, and I hope it will help someone else. If it helps just one person, I'm happy.

As for my feelings, well, my daughter turned two this week. What a milestone! She's such a chatterbox and such a little girl -- I love her to bits. Not that I don't love Ryan, but he's a completely different kettle of fish -- he simply exhausts me.

I can't remember if I've been an ogre this week -- its all been too busy. Nothing stands out as a meltdown. I have noticed my feelings of wellbeing are increasing slowly (15th week this week), which is nice. Oh, this week was the first where I threw up, something I absolutely hate doing and it really distressed me. No more constant nausea, at least. I think that's about it, really... Oh, except I just love Darren to bits. Every day, more and more.

And now...

Fast-forward to my daughter's second birthday. I'm now 3 months pregnant with my third child. When I suspected and then confirmed my pregnancy, my husband and I talked seriously about terminating the pregnancy because of my history of post-natal depression. I'm pro-choice, but have never been faced with the prospect of terminating an unwanted pregnancy. In the end, I felt I couldn't deal with terminating a healthy pregnancy. I would always wonder about my child and what s/he would be like. So we're keeping it. Still, I'm scared of what next year will bring with the birth of a third baby. I don't know how I'll cope with three children under 5. I don't know how I'll cope with the inevitable depression.

One thing said to me in the post-natal depression group has stuck in my mind since I attended. One of the psychologists asked if any of us (in the group) had thought to move closer to one of our sets of parents when we found out we were having children. It struck me as a supremely sensible suggestion and I wondered "Yes, why didn't we?". This time, I said to Darren, we have to move to be closer to one set of parents. Trouble is, my support base, friends and life is now entrenched where we are. The older my kids get, the more entrenched I get, the less I want to move. Having said that, I know my mother would really help with my older kids when this new baby arrives. Being so far away (350 Km give or take) makes it difficult for one or the other of us to just jump in a car and visit.

So, a conundrum… Do we stay where we are? Do I insist that we have to move and make my husband look for another job, leaving a well-paid job he's enjoying? I hope that keeping this blog will help me battle any pre-natal depression that rears its ugly head. And some small part of me is hoping that the new baby will bring joy into our family, rather than more sadness.