tears before bedtime

It happened. The storm broke today after a few days of not enough sleep and a late night out last night. I exploded at Caitlyn for her terrible-2-tantrum at bedtime today. She kept crying and crying and crying and getting louder and louder. I thought she would make herself sick. I can never stand her tears. I hate to hear her cry more than Ryan. Is this because I fell in love with her when she was born and never seemed to with Ryan? Its not that I don't love Ryan, I just don't feel the same to him as I do to Caitlyn. They're different people. So I smacked her for crying. I shouted at her for crying. I exploded and crashed into the bathroom and cried in the shower forever. I am not a good mother. And there's no reason why I should be bringing another child into this family. I wanted to see my blood flowing down the drain, and as soon as I thought that thought, I said to myself, "But that would hurt!". I then went through why I might have thought this in the first place, and decided it was purely to see a physical result of my agony inside. If I make it hurt outside, will it hurt any less inside? And I know the answer to this question is most emphatically "NO!"

So I wrenched myself out of wallowing. When all I wanted was Darren to wrap me in his arms and say "What's wrong, Darling?" and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to answer. Still, he would have seen the evidence of Caitlyn's drama from many open doors, and heard me crying. When I came out he was quietly and calmly eating his lunch. Part of me was angry. Part of me understood. My throat is sore from screaming in the shower, raging at myself, at Caitlyn for crying and not sleeping, at Toby the unborn, at losing myself in motherhood. A part of me rationalised and said "Redefining yourself in motherhood", but there's always a component of loss of self to grieve over, I think.

So, a sad day. And I was sent to bed by my husband who understands full well that this sickness is in part due to lack of sleep. Feel better after a good cry, but worse at how I reacted to Caitlyn. A good dose of "Be gentle with yourself" for a week or more.

Calm before the storm?

Well, the week has been approaching hectic. I decided this week to start a post-natal and ante-natal support group in my local area. This means I'm trying to recruit helpers firstly, and researching all kinds of other things otherwise. Don't know how far I'll get given my deadline of early March, but we'll see.

Had a relatively good week, except for Friday when the kids were too hyped up on sugar from their Christmas party to want to go to bed, and there was a good percentage of crying on everyone's part about naptime. I was utterly exhausted and really needed to stop, couldn't sleep because I was crying too much. All of a sudden I heard Darren's motorbike in the garage, and I clambered out of bed and gave him the biggest hug when he walked in. I was so glad to see him! He let me sleep for a while that afternoon and took care of our littlest person, who was being most of the problem. I still can't bear it when she cries and I know she knows it. My lesson for Friday? Don't let the kids run riot at playgroup and limit the sugar intake by getting them to eat fruit or sandwiches. *sigh* But its only once a year. I'm anticipating a busy week this week and then things will get difficult in the following weeks with nowhere to go on Fridays at playgroup time. The kids will go crazy having 2-4 days home, which means inventing things for them to do, something I'm not very good at. Perhaps I'll get good at it this school holidays.

Busy but managable

This week has been hectic but managable. Much as I love Christmas, I find it really stressful from the sheer busy-ness of the whole thing. This week I'm doing a gift-registry for the new baby, which (surprisingly) is helping me bond even more with him. I want to get a baby capsule, so I've been debating the pros and cons of trying to get one secondhand, and the logistics of where each child will sit in the car to fit everyone in. We have three anchor points, but we'll need to sit everyone carefully to ensure we can use them all correctly. Anyway, thinking about these things simply makes Baby's arrival more real. Oh, and I'm counting down weeks now, not up! ;)

doing too much

I've been taking on too much, I think. The tummy-tightenings and tiredness are my little boy's way of telling me to take it easy. Much activity from him now, bouncing around. Dreams are vivid and usually of a nightmare-ish sort. Last night I was busy telling myself Caitlyn had died (but not to be so silly) through the night but then heard her talking on the baby monitor and finally relaxed enough to go back to sleep. Thoughts are still tumultuous at times, pushing myself to remain positive. The tiredness has been overwhelming and I find myself falling asleep when the kids are home watching TV. I'm flipping between imagining how much more tired I'll be when baby finally arrives and trying not to think about it. That's going to be the killer, I think. The tiredness.

I'm calling baby by name all the time now. Its helping heaps, making him a real person instead of just a blob. I'm also starting to wonder what he'll look like -- more like Ryan or Caitlyn or inbetween. Also hoping he'll have Caitlyn's quieter nature, rather than Ryan's activity. I'm also imagining falling in love with him when he comes, taking the time to get lost in him, like I did with Caitlyn. I ache for poor Ryan that I didn't manage that, but then I didn't realise what was wrong with me... At least this time I'll be fully aware.

Feeling positive

Its a long time since I posted -- two whole weeks, I think! I've had the odd rough day, but nothing as awful as before the scare when I thought I'd lose the baby. He's moving around lots now and Ryan was sitting next to me when he kicked the other day. Ryan's face lit up when I said it was the baby saying hello! It was just gorgeous.

The only downer this week I can remember, and it was only fleeting, was going to Playgroup with a friend and her two kids in the car too. She said, "I'm so glad I don't have four kids!" after we got the lot of them into the car. Ryan and the two boys started having a hitting match over the seat, and the whole trip was very noisy. Fortunately its a short one. Still, I thought to myself, "I'm going to have 3! How will I manage?" It was fleeting -- I didn't have time to ponder it really between getting lunch for the munchkins and myself and getting them off for a nap.

Exciting day today -- Darren and I are going to see "We will rock you" and go out for lunch. It will be our first outing alone for months and months. I am so looking forward to it! Its amazing how much you look forward to things you took for granted when you were single or just had one child.

Turmoil, trouble and realisation

Well, what a week! I was really resenting the baby, but on Wednesday morning, I thought my waters had broken. After delivering the kids to their respective child-care places for the day, I finally contacted the hospital. In I went. They checked me over and I felt like a silly chicken. But the upshot was I got to speak to the psychiatric registrar for the hospital and the social worker. We talked about my anxiety for this pregnancy, which has been extremely high. Mainly its centred around having another boy and him being similar in temperament to Ryan. I'm terrified of how I'll deal with him if he's so busy and demanding.

The other upshot was that the prospect of losing my little boy scared me to death. I promised him I would stop resenting him and that I do love him and want him. So I've decided on his name. It just feels right and I'm already calling him by it. I feel a little silly about it, but it helps me attach better and feel something for him -- he's a little person now. I'm trying to daydream what it will be like to hold him in my arms and whether I'll fall in love, like I did with Caitlyn (poor Ryan was whisked away so quickly after he was born, I barely had time to look at him, and when I did finally see him, he was a stranger). I also feel lots of movements when I've been quiet for more than a few minutes.

Week ending Oct 24

Difficult emotions this week. First the elation of going for the ultrasound, the anticipation and trepidation of finding out what gender the baby is, and the excitement of seeing the little one wiggling on the screen. We went for one of those fancy 3D ultrasounds, but couldn't really see his face as he was snuggled up against the placenta.



Since the ultrasound, I've had mostly rough days: exploding at everyone, feeling helpless, feeling unmotivated to clean my house, feeling generally out of sorts. I think there's a good dose of resentment too. I've been feeling baby kick quite a bit more and the reality is sinking in. There's still a rather large chunk of hope that this won't happen. Some disbelief and thinking it just can't happen. Sometimes its surreal. Anyway, I hope this sorts itself out. I'm working hard on pulling myself up short and saying "get a grip; this is real". Its bloody hard though.

Its another boy!

Was so excited about today that I didn't think I'd go back to sleep after 5:15 when I woke this morning. So got up and made a new maternity shirt from fabric I bought in Canberra. Ultrasound went well with no abnormalities that the operator could tell us about. He is a healthy little boy!

Week ending Oct 17

Visited my Mum from Thursday afternoon. Didn't get everything done that we'd had planned, and just being in Canberra put me in a maudlin mood. Kept crying thinking of how much I'll need her (Mum's) direct support when this little one is born. Also watched how much the kids loved Grandma and Grumpy and Duffy-dog, and how little time Mum gets with them. I was also pretty overtired because the kids kept waking up really early in the morning. Despite this, it was a wonderful visit, though I was too tired to drive back on Sunday, so waited til early Monday morning. Worked better for me, though disrupted Ryan's pre-school day a bit.

Week ending Oct 10

Well, the bottom came today. Probably my own fault for not having a nap and generally overdoing it today. Went to visit Nanna and Pappa and kids didn't have a nap, and I didn't have a nap and Ryan got gradually more and more hyper until we started home when he dropped like a lead balloon. At home, I just wanted to get the kids off to bed, no proper dinner, no proper anything. Finally I just started to cry. Ryan and Caitlyn both gave me kisses and cuddles and made me feel like a right a----hole for yelling at them and getting angry and short tempered. I ended up telling Ryan that Mummys get tired too and I was just angry and upset and I needed time alone. I gave them fifteen minutes til bedtime and couldn't find bedtime dummies, so I told Ryan he would be in bed without it if he didn't find his. He was in tears. But it worked. He came back into the room a couple of minutes later with not only his dummy, but Caitlyn's too! Bless him! I kissed him and cuddled him and told him he was such a clever boy!! And, oh, God, how much less stressed did I feel not having to face huge tears at bedtime from two overtired children!

Being an overtired Mummy is worse, I think, than being an overtired child. At least when you're a kid, someone takes care of you. This week has been difficult because Darren's been on late shifts -- 12:30-9 pm. It wears me down having to do all of the care for the kids in the evenings. By the end of the week if I haven't had a meltdown, I'm wondering what happened. I could never cope as a single parent. God knows what I'll do next year when I have to do this with three kids by myself. I keep praying something will change, that Darren will find a magical job in Canberra and I'll at least have that extra support on hand when I need it most...

I'm sure I'll feel better after a good sleep. I might see if there's something I can do tomorrow just for me -- a haircut maybe.

Week ending Oct 3

This week has been pretty good, but then I think the happy-hormones of pregnancy are kicking in. Took the kids to the zoo today, which was an expedition and a half. It rained most of the rest of the week -- got videos to keep the kids occupied for some of it. Most of the rest of the week was just busy, but busy in a good way. Kids still got their sleeps, as did I. Been sleeping when they do, but waking up after about an hour or an hour and a half and feeling MUCH more refreshed than if I just sleep as long as they do. Arranging a trip to see Mum for the weekend after next which should be good. Going to cut out some more maternity clothes and hopefully get some things sewn up as I've nothing to wear and won't spend hideous amounts of money on maternity clothes.

Week ending Sept 26

Well this week has gone by quickly. Once I decided to start this blog, I was driven to get everything online as quickly as possible. I do think its been theraputic, and I hope it will help someone else. If it helps just one person, I'm happy.

As for my feelings, well, my daughter turned two this week. What a milestone! She's such a chatterbox and such a little girl -- I love her to bits. Not that I don't love Ryan, but he's a completely different kettle of fish -- he simply exhausts me.

I can't remember if I've been an ogre this week -- its all been too busy. Nothing stands out as a meltdown. I have noticed my feelings of wellbeing are increasing slowly (15th week this week), which is nice. Oh, this week was the first where I threw up, something I absolutely hate doing and it really distressed me. No more constant nausea, at least. I think that's about it, really... Oh, except I just love Darren to bits. Every day, more and more.

And now...

Fast-forward to my daughter's second birthday. I'm now 3 months pregnant with my third child. When I suspected and then confirmed my pregnancy, my husband and I talked seriously about terminating the pregnancy because of my history of post-natal depression. I'm pro-choice, but have never been faced with the prospect of terminating an unwanted pregnancy. In the end, I felt I couldn't deal with terminating a healthy pregnancy. I would always wonder about my child and what s/he would be like. So we're keeping it. Still, I'm scared of what next year will bring with the birth of a third baby. I don't know how I'll cope with three children under 5. I don't know how I'll cope with the inevitable depression.

One thing said to me in the post-natal depression group has stuck in my mind since I attended. One of the psychologists asked if any of us (in the group) had thought to move closer to one of our sets of parents when we found out we were having children. It struck me as a supremely sensible suggestion and I wondered "Yes, why didn't we?". This time, I said to Darren, we have to move to be closer to one set of parents. Trouble is, my support base, friends and life is now entrenched where we are. The older my kids get, the more entrenched I get, the less I want to move. Having said that, I know my mother would really help with my older kids when this new baby arrives. Being so far away (350 Km give or take) makes it difficult for one or the other of us to just jump in a car and visit.

So, a conundrum… Do we stay where we are? Do I insist that we have to move and make my husband look for another job, leaving a well-paid job he's enjoying? I hope that keeping this blog will help me battle any pre-natal depression that rears its ugly head. And some small part of me is hoping that the new baby will bring joy into our family, rather than more sadness.

How my journey began

Well, I guess I should write this to an audience, but at the moment the audience is my own head, so I'll start there. My name is Carolyn. I am happily married and have two children, Ryan and Caitlyn, and I am pregnant with my third child. The third pregnancy has been an enormous surprise and I have been battling all kinds of feelings trying to decide what to do about having a third child with my history of post-natal depression (PND).

Originally, I wasn't really sure how this Blog might evolve. What I've done / am doing, is including my computer diary which I began in January 2004 as my New Year's Resolution. I think its important to see the good, the bad and the ugly and for people who are suffering from post-natal depression to know they are not alone in their feelings. PND is an isolating mental illness which affects not just the mother, but the entire family.

My journey began when I attended my first pre-natal appointment at the local hospital at about 10 weeks of pregnancy. I was an extremely anxious soon-to-be mother and dutifully mentioned my family history of depression and my own depression history. My father committed suicide when I was almost 17 and I don't think I ever really managed to get past it. Because I had a history, I was 'flagged' as a new mother to watch.

I think my first pregnancy went rather well. My husband was tremendously supportive and would do just about everything for me when I came home from work and just crashed on the couch to snooze and do little. I had a bath almost every night after work and was suffused with a strong sense of well-being which grew as the baby did. I was somewhat disappointed to find out that I was having a son, but spent the remaining 17 weeks of pregnancy resigning myself to this eventuality. My waters broke at almost 36 weeks while I was visiting my mother in Canberra. I decided to stay there to have the baby. The complicating factor was that my grandmother, Dodie, was dying of cancer.

I sat in hospital for 10 days awaiting the birth of my son, eventually saying to him that if he didn't shift himself out of there, the doctors would do it for him. He arrived the day before I was due to be induced. My labour was augmented and painful, but I managed without any drugs and we had Ryan at 7:30 pm on Monday, 5 March, 2001. He was whisked away to the special care nursery and I didn't see him again until about 2 am. I didn't think there was anything particularly difficult about his birth, I managed the birth as planned and also managed to breastfeed him successfully.
A number of journeys between Canberra and Sydney ensued which included a super-quick naming ceremony run by my grandmother. Ryan was 6 weeks old when Dodie died. A week later my husband lost his job. Up until this point I don't think I was really coping, but I was hiding it from everyone. My son was extremely demanding and fed every couple of hours for the first few weeks. He was average weight when born, but was obviously a little 'undercooked'. He gained weight well, but remained fairly demanding, probably encouraged by my nervous mothering.

As a mother I felt inadequate. I had expectations that I should be able to get all the housework done and meals cooked while managing my demanding boy. I became a wanderer to cope. Apart from mother's group meetings, I would wander through the local shopping mall or head to other larger centres and use mother's rooms for feeding. Ryan learned to sleep in the pram very well and I thought nothing of jumping in the car and heading off somewhere at a moment's notice. Still, I wasn't really coping. And I didn't recognise the signs because they were so different from depression. I was angry and couldn't control my temper and my overall feeling was one of unreality, that Ryan wasn't really my son. I was caught between the dichotomy of blaming my son for my depression, and loving him to bits. I had trouble making decisions and would 'dither' at a complete loss of what to do next. I didn't sleep. And I cried.

I slipped through the cracks of the system (as it was then in Sydney). I should have had help. I couldn't ask for help, I didn't know how. I wasn't even sure I had a problem! I thought it was just me not being a very good mother. I remember apologising to Ryan over and over again through floods of tears that he had such an awful mother.

When Ryan was 9 months old, I fell pregnant again. My husband was still out of work and I had to return to work. We had to move house because our landlords would not accept a short-term lease and had put the rent up. It was horrid. I started seeing a psychiatrist because I was starting to have suicidal feelings. I didn't think this was good for either me or the new baby. I also hated my job – there was a restructure going on at work and I really didn't know where I stood. I applied for reclassification, dealt with my union representatives and generally managed to avoid doing everything but the very basic elements of my job until my second lot of maternity leave began. Throughout all this my husband was still out of work and staying at home with our son. He felt trapped and, I'm sure, depressed too. I encouraged him to join a playgroup or get out of the house more, but he just didn't.

Finally a breakthrough. My maternity leave was due to start in just 2 weeks and my husband landed a job. Halleluia! We had a hell of a time juggling Ryan's care for that two weeks and when I got home, I found I was dealing with a 17 month old complete stranger. I was terrified and had to get to know my son all over again, which is a challenge at 8 and a half months pregnant! We also moved house, thankfully, to a larger home that was just perfect as far as I was concerned.

Things were okay for the first little while. Caitlyn was born and her birth was different, but not nearly as traumatic as Ryan's. She was a healthy 4 Kg baby and slept well from the beginning. Early on Darren and I established a good routine with her and made sure I had lots of support around me. Thank God for my friend Meredith! She would just turn up on my doorstep with her son in tow and the boys would play and she would keep me company and helped me keep my sanity. I joined another mother's group and Caitlyn and I had an outing once a week. Then we joined a playgroup and Ryan had an outing too.

I felt I was managing with minimal outbursts of tears. My husband says differently – he thinks I was off my tree a little earlier than I do. Time rolled on slowly. I got really stressed when I was due to make a decision about returning to work. Fortunately, I was offered another 12 months unpaid leave. Yet by Christmas after Caitlyn's first birthday, I was losing the plot again. Of course, this wasn't helped by the day I was driving down the street to see my husband walking home at a ridiculous time of day. I picked him up. He'd lost his job. Again. [NOTE: it wasn't his fault; it’s the industry. He's a Senior Networking Engineer and the industry is volatile in Australia.]

Christmas Eve Darren was offered another job. Thank God! Because I didn’t want to return to work, which was still as unstable as ever. So ensued the second bout of my post-natal depression. This time my name was added to a list of people to join a PND group run by psychologists at the Childhood and Adolescent Unit at our local hospital. The group was a Godsend. I was able to articulate my own inadequacies, and, most importantly, to find out that I wasn't alone.

A decision to make

After much debate about the pros and cons of having this child (and many floods of tears), Darren finally asked me how I would feel if I terminated the pregnancy. I said I'd always wonder; I would hate myself and I didn't know if I could get past it.

Darren, to his eternal credit, once again reinforcing my love for him and at the same time humbled by what a wonderful man I'd married, said "I guess we're having a baby then." Every time I think about him saying this, I could kiss him again and again. God, I love him!

Pregnancy confirmed

The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I discussed termination with him very briefly.

Evidence

Here's the evidence:


Darren didn't believe it and is sending me to the doctor tomorrow. We're both in a state of shock.

Week ending July 11

Thursday
Out of sorts today, probably cos I didn't get the job at the scrapbooking shop.

It rained this evening! We went and got Darren from work as something to do with the kids. Missed him which probably means I'm dreadfully pre-menstrual.
Day-rating: 2

Friday
Feeling a little low after not getting the teaching job at Penrith Scrapbook Superstore. Disappointed and keep going over how I could have done it better. I should have stuck to something more simple.

Also worried about being pregnant again. Much as I've said I so want another baby, with the grim possibility very real, I'm not feeling so confident. Too long away from little babies, I think, and worried I just won't have enough energy or time for Ryan and Caitlyn.

If nothing comes of the tutoring gig, I think I might need to consider going to Woolies or Coles and seeing about night-packing.
Day-rating: 2

Week ending May 30

Monday
Went to my friend's anyway even though class was cancelled. Walked up and bought some stuff at the scrapbooking shop and ended up with about $40 worth of stuff for $1.85! Was worth the trip, I think and I love the way the albumn is now -- looks much better than my scrappy cheap one.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Stayed at home, don't remember much about today, so it mustn't have been too bad.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Preschool was okay today -- walked up with the big pram/trailer. Was okay. Visited a friend's as well and bought new knitting needles. Needed them for Caitlyn's jumper.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Quiet day at home. Sold the fridge and kids weren't too bad. Got them bathed before picking up Daddy so they were ready for bed fairly early.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Playgroup today! Must remember to make a tim-tam cheesecake for next week and playdough.
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 24

Wednesday
Ryan's first Wednesday at Pre-School. Seems to be going okay. Met up with Fiona R and Simone at the park. Was okay, but Caitlyn is so much more active than the other kids, so it was me running off all the time to play with her.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Quiet day at home, but lots of yelling went on.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
First week for Ryan back at Playgroup. Think he did okay. We did a nature-walk to the Reddy park and picked up autumn leaves along the way. Good day -- tiring but good.

Did scrapbooking tonight and got some good layouts done. Must remember to get more photos printed up in time for scrapping nights so I can actually get stuff done.
Day-rating: 4

Saturday
Stayed at home and did little.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Out to Nanna & Papa's place today. Was nice to go out and was at Ryan's suggestion because he wanted to "see Nanna!"
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 17

Monday
Sorta okay today. Rushed around all day and felt like I was ferrying Darren hither and yon. Just needed an hour to have a lie down, I think. Didn't happen. Then "coffee" at 8 only one showed up. Big disappointment. One by one everyone called. I should have called her early and asked if we could postpone to next week. Regardless, it was a nice evening and I think we bonded.
Day-rating: 3-2

Tuesday
Really good day. Only yelled at the kids when they were doing something dangerous, but nothing was really bothering me today. Just felt okay and managed a short sleep and felt de-stressed. Maybe the bath last night? Maybe the bonding with Simone? Dunno.
Day-rating: 4

Week ending May 9

Monday
Don't remember much about Monday -- think I spent some of it with a friend.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
The grind begins. Kids are sick of travelling, already, and kick up a stink getting in and out of the car. Don't remember much else. Evening was good at the cafe with the PND group girls. Swapped birth stories and Bronwyn suggested I do Maths tutoring! :) I think its a go-er!
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Went to the park, I think, eventually. Not sure what else.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Busy day I recall, mostly because of the driving hither and yon.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Trying to get the photos printed today but haven't quite finished the pictures off. Class for tomorrow was cancelled, so went to the Friday night 'til you drop thing. I did the albumn and also did a little bit on a couple of pages. Felt like I got lots done although it was all little stuff.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Everything went from bad to worse and I felt like the biggest idiot and all just because I wasn't going to the class, had planned a child-free morning and didn't get it. Then the photos wouldn't work at the kiosk at Paxton's and it just put me in a spin and I got really pissed off. Finally turned out right in the end and the girl at the shop was nice to me too.
Day-rating: 2

Sunday
Nanna really liked the albumn, I think. I hope so... Got a big squeezy hug and kiss at the end of the day and when I gave it to her. Alright Mother's day, but would have liked a bit of a break from washing children at the end of the day.
Day-rating: 3

Week ending May 2

Monday
Day was okay, don't remember much about it. Obviously nothing significant happened.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Was a good day -- Darren's first back at work and I got lots done at home. Felt pretty good about it, all in all. Even handled getting Darren and feeding time at the Zoo.
Day-rating: 4

Wednesday
Rent is to go up another $15 per week on 1 July. Bit miffed and Darren says we'll have to move now. I don't want to... I talked about it before but wasn't really serious... I like it here. I've just gotten used to it.

Got upset trying to figure out what to do about this whole thing. Decided I'd write a letter directly to the landlord and ask him if we could have a bit of leniency until later in the year.

Also decided teaching is still my best option for the kids with school holidays etc.
Day-rating: 2

Thursday
Darren is so bloody inflexible! I can't imagine work is being difficult about his start and finish times. He's being a pain in the bloody bum and its pissing me off. I'm angry and hurt and upset: "why doesn't he get how hard it is for me to get the kids organised to go in the afternoon to get him?" Its bad enough we're doing this three days a week without upsetting the kids routines so much. They haven't had a decent dinner all week. Now I've got to figure out how to feed them something decent tonight and get to his work to pick him up. I think he'll just have to wait tonight. I can't be bothered busting a gut to keep everyone happy.
Day-rating: 2

Week ending April 25

Monday
Bit stressed out by this afternoon just because I was so damned tired. Didn't get all the things done that I'd intended, but then again, didn't really expect to. I spent all day cooking and cleaning. However, at the end of the day, I've done a whole lot to make life a bit easier.

Was beginning to stress about the mess in the kitchen after cleaning up everything and then making cheesecake. Decided to allay that problem by running the dishwasher once again on a fast cycle with just the dishes I'd used. Was a huge weight off my shoulders and dinner wasn't as much of a drama as it could have been. Nevertheless I had a little weep in the middle of the kitchen floor because I thought I was simply too tired out to make dinner as well.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Nothing much happened today. Went to the park in the morning and wore the kids out; which worked well for naptime. Ryan had fun with Jack and Max and Marcus. Caitlyn had a bad time tonight after I got home from scrapbooking. Tooth, I think.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Bit lost today. Its the last day of PND group. Last day for the kids at TurraTots too. Have to sort something out so they can go again some times. They have such a good time there. Have agreed to meet on the first Tuesday evening in May at 8. Should be good to see how everyone's going.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Think we stayed at home today. Can't really remember.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Ryan went to pre-school and Caitlyn and I went to the park. It was a good day mostly. She slept well through the day too. Ryan was a bit impossible when he got home. I don't think he's been sleeping very well at pre-school still.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Caitlyn's first molar has come through! Finally! Noticed it this morning. Well, between cramps and being stuck inside with the kids all day, I've been an absolute Harpy. I think Darren wants a divorce. He'd be more than justified asking for one the way I've been today. I think its mostly the cramps. Darren got me naprogesic and I feel a lot better, but that might also be because the kids are in bed!!! (or maybe the two glasses of beer!) My cramps keep getting worse each period. I guess I should see the doctor.
Day-rating: 2

Sunday
Okay day; had to get organised to go out West to visit Nanna and Papa. Kids were reasonable. Went to the market with Nanna and got some scrapbooking stuff. Evening was bedlam, but that was to be expected.
Day-rating: 3

Week ending April 18

Wednesday

PND group did more Cognitive Behaviour therapy. Had to recount some of our "moments" and challenge the beliefs and underlying mental talk that happens when these "moments" happen. Bit ordinary today. Had trouble getting out the door this morning to go to group and ended up standing in the middle of the loungeroom floor going "I don't know what to do".
Day-rating: 2, 3

Saturday

Day out at brother-in-law's and it was really nice to go out socially with Caitlyn and be relaxed. She doesn't misbehave nearly as much as Ryan... It was so nice. Was nice to see everyone smiling.

Dodie died today at midnight. Sad...
Day-rating: 3-4

Sunday
Bit stressed about the whole going out and getting a roast thing. Darren insisted on walking which meant I had to get vegies at Coles too. Placated the kids with a donut and Ryan spilt milk all over himself. Explained why it was a hassle to Darren and I think he understood. Our anniversary today. Darren remembered first in the morning...
Day-rating: 2

Week ending April 4

Monday
Went absolutely to pieces this morning because Darren wasn't home when he said and I didn't have a backup plan for getting the kids to pre-school and day-care. Totally threw my plan of action out in the morning. Once they were all off, everything went smoothly. I went to Castle Hill and got nappies and spent far too much money at the scrapbooking shop. I got the garden tidied and some plants potted. I even got catfood and birdfood and went to the butcher before picking up Caitlyn. Forgot to get a colour wheel from the art supplies shop, but that was about it for forgetting something on my day off.
Day-rating: 1, 4

Tuesday
Managed okay in the morning but was a bit stir crazy by the time Darren was due to come home -- don't know why. Snapping at the kids and being a bit of a dragon. Trying to do too much? Darren not home? Maybe it was because I felt like Darren's job was more important than us which is so completely silly because he had to work overnight and do that stuff and be gone because he had to get work done. My rational brain needs to speak sternly to my other brain.

So needed the scrapbooking tonight. Focus on how beautiful my kids are and thinking of nice things to say about them. Focus on the days I'm scrapbooking for. Need some kind of template thingy to journal on the pages. Need to compose what I'm going to write. Need a notebook to keep with my scrapbooking stuff to write things down. Brain going at a million miles an hour and can't stop, so caught up on my journal. Hope tomorrow isn't too frantic.
Day-rating: 2, 4

Wednesday
Day was okay. Started "CBT" (cognitive behaviour therapy) at PND group.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Don't remember, mustn't have been to bad. Everything eclipsed by Friday.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Darren broke his ankle on his way to work. Had to figure out what to do about getting him home etc. It was all very stressful. Nanna/Margaret came and took care of the kids for me while I went and got him and then stayed for a while to keep him company. I went to my scrapbooking/cardmaking thing. It was nice.
Day-rating: 2

Saturday
Thank God for my friend suggesting she'd come and help in the early afternoon. Kept going to pieces. She and the boys ended up staying for dinner and a bath because I kept getting so stressed. Meredith came too and Kelli did her presentation for the clothing. It was okay and the kids ran around like terrors all afternoon. I would have been okay if it hadn't been for Caitlyn getting into the toilet and pulling out the flush-wash thing. Now the loo is clean, I suppose.
Day-rating: 2

Sunday
Still feeling stressed. Feel like I'm having to do everything and resenting the fact that my weekend support has been taken away because of Darren's ankle. I know its not his fault and I'm coping as best I can. I need to find out if I can get home help on our health insurance because I keep going to pieces.
Day-rating: 2-3

Week ending March 28

Monday
Frantic day, but reasonable in terms of mood. Spent the whole day trying to catch up with myself. Ryan to pre-school at 9:15, Caitlyn to FDC at 9:30. Then I drove into work at Kensington and met up with the new me and chatted for a while. Went up to see a few people at work and promised to come back with pictures of the kids. Don't want to go back to work now. Upheaval should be all done by the time I'm due to go back, but I'm not at all sure I like the business focus. Met friends for lunch and they gently told me they didn't want me doing any more with the website but would pay me. So I showed them the bill. Adjusted it at home and emailed it all off. Frantic day, but lots done and felt good.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Weary and my head hurts. Kids started to drive me batty with the being inside thing. Caitlyn a misery guts -- teeth probably. Found out she doesn't need an 18 month vaccination. Love her so much. She's exactly 18 months old today and is such a girlie-girl. Ended up letting her cry off to sleep today because I was exhausted.

Did scrapbooking class tonight and it was quite good. Like the lady that ran it and might aim to go to a few more of her classes.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Felt a bit hurried and harrassed today probably because I'd busted a gut to get my scrapbook page done, ready for the group. Group was okay. Had to do this thing of "where I am now" and "where I want to be" and "what's stopping me". Kept thinking about it and am not sure if there's much difference between where I am now and where I want to be.

Kids were a bit ratty at the park, but it was a nice day out.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Don't remember what happened today.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Got Ryan off to Pre-School okay. Caitlyn was a bit ratty because she needed sleep. Walked up to Playgroup with a friend. Felt good after the walk and was easier with someone to talk to other than the kids.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Went and bought pots today. Was good to get them finally. Got my motorbike helmet too. Can't wait to go on the bike.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Went and spent money at Bunnings on plants, potting mix and various and sundry other bits and pieces.
Day-rating: 3

Week ending March 22

Monday
Day was great. Bit flustered in the morning getting the kids to two different places, but it was okay. Darren took me to Doyle's at the Fish Market and we had a lovely seafood lunch. And our weekend next weekend is totally booked up with going to Corey's birthday and Spanky's and Mel's house-warming. Felt very woozey and odd in the afternoon, probably to do with the wine!
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Called Darren at about 4 and realised it was just because I hadn't spoken to another adult at all today. Had a chat for a bit when he rang me back.

Started out okay, but was a harpy with the kids just before Darren got home and just after. Looked at the calendar and its PMT week so no wonder. At least this time I've recognised it.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Group was okay today. I felt really strongly today that I didn't want to drag myself down and mention bad bits of the week, I wanted to say the good stuff that happened. Like the moments yesterday when I took photos of the kids outside and let Caitlyn run around in little-girl pants. I think I'm going to get her lots more of those little terry-toweling pants from Coles -- they are so sweet and sensible and I can't seem to find anything like them elsewhere. They had such a good time I think I'll just add it into the routine that we spend an hour outside playing before dinnertime. And boy did they wolf down dinner afterwards! No arguments. Although, I did make home-made fetticini which they love!

Cried all the way home from the PND group about the topic of the day -- messages in our head. Mine were all "stupid, dumb" and I felt like I hadn't grown up in a wonderful place. I can remember spending so much time reading -- to the point where I would get yelled at to turn off my lamp at night and then I'd lie and wait until Dad had gone to bed and it was "safe" and then turn it back on again and read some more. I can very vaguely remember being tired at school all the time. I had no clock of my own so I never knew how late I read til. I just remember wanting to be in the Little Round House, or the Magic Faraway Tree, or one of the Famous Five, or with Aslan. I don't remember much of anything else. I never remembered being told I was capable. I think my school reports always came back "quiet, careful" etc. I have a pile of "citizenship" awards in my box of stuff in the garage from primary school. I remember spending time on maths problems and how good it felt to get the answers right. Something achievable and concrete to show I could DO something successfully. Far too much introspection today. I cried all the way home in the car and spent some time at the bottom of the driveway crying more.

Kids wanted to play when we got home so I pulled the picnic rug out of the car and put it out on the grass Darren mowed on Monday. They sat and ate with me on the rug and then had a quick play on the bikes. Perhaps I'll take the bikes to the playground today.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Don't really remember if anything happened today.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Pre-school for Ryan and Caitlyn with me to Playgroup. Talked to pre-school teacher who suggested getting Ryan off to the speech pathologist.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
A friend's birthday party. Had a bit of an explosion because I was left alone with the kids; Darren went to put money in the parking meter and then did a cursory glance about the place to see where I was and didn't look any further. Pissed me off really badly and I blew up at him in front of everyone. Other than that the day was okay. Kids didn't eat anything they should have, though.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Friend's house-warming late afternoon. I had a big sleep in the morning which was excellent. Kids apparently went off to sleep reasonably early so Darren got a nice break through the day too. MacDonald's on the way home was a waste of time, neither of them ate much. Kids were ratty by the time we got home and Darren and I looked at each other at 11 pm and said "Did we just have a weekend, cos it didn't feel like it?!"
Day-rating: 3

Week ending March 14

Monday
Darren home today, but we're all sick. Ryan's first day at pre-school.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Darren home again and still sick. With the kids as well, we're all not doing so good.
Day-rating: 2

Wednesday
Not too bad a day. PND group was okay -- I was drugged up on cold-n-flu stuff so my head was foggy. We did a family tree to give us a starting point for looking at patterns in our behaviour/beliefs. Also had mother's group.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
My birthday. At least Darren remembered a card from him, even if he didn't do one from the kids. Felt kinda down. But only because I didn't manage to do a cake or anything special.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Playgroup was good and had a big talk with playgroup leader about Ryan and ADD & ADHD and I think I'll move him to another pre-school if he gets offered a place next year. Kindy is okay, but I'm not sure the level of stimulation will be there...
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Darren worked. Nanna came over and we went out when Darren got home and she bought me some scrapbooking and card-making stuff. Day was okay, but the kids drove me a little bit nuts.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Sorted through photos and put them in the scrapbooking folder I bought so I can start doing something with them next week. Looking forward to it! :)
Day-rating: 3

Week ending March 7

Monday
Better day. Probably cos the kids were in care all day. Ryan's last day at FDC. Pre-School next week. He's so ready, I think! :) Its a good job he's not going to be home for another year! I don't know how I could handle it! Colleen mentioned some really good counting books for 3-4 year olds which I could get from the post-office. Have to go look for them. Basic maths -- adding and subtracting etc. I think Ryan will thrive on that kind of thing. Grandma-Lynne is going to send up his birthday presents -- an abacus and something alphabet-ish. Great stuff! I love how Mum actually puts thought into her gifts to Ryan. Suppose it helps she did some early-childhood education stuff herself.

Tiring day but a good day. Got the kids sorted reasonably easily in the evening by myself. Worked out okay. Probably feel differently by the end of the week.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Tiring day, but felt very lost at the end after the kids were in bed. Need to knit again or something. Needed something to do...
Day-rating:

Wednesday
Should have been easier today, but put too much pressure on by making cake this morning as well as the mars-bar slice. Lost it a bit by the afternoon. Kids in bed by 2:40 and will go lie down now and read. Won't have much more time to do anything else because they'll need dinner. Thinking about toast or fish fingers for dinner tonight -- easy meal. PND group was difficult. Finally broached the subject of child abuse with the nurse and psychologist. Will call them about it.
Day-rating: 2.5

Thursday
Stayed up way too late icing Ryan's train cake. Looked awesome.
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Ryan & George's birthday.

Wanted to get through the day without yelling at Ryan and almost succeeded. Not quite... Anyway, he had a great day at playgroup and I think he enjoyed the cake.
Day-rating: 3

Saturday
Aunty and Papa came over in the morning. Managed to get the kids off to bed at a reasonable time in the afternoon and managed to have a lie down myself.
Day-rating: 3

Sunday
Not so good today. A bit over the whole working all week thing that Darren's been through and getting nasty with the kids. Tired out and starting to get sick, I think.
Day-rating: 2

Week ending Feb 27

Monday
Kids went off to FDC okay -- was raining and they looked cute in their raincoats going down FDC driveway...

Overall the day went okay. Took the kids to meet Darren at work -- gave them a bowl of smiles/gems in the car and they were fairly happy. Certainly didn't complain like they normally do. Potty training is going okay with Ryan. Have to keep reminding him.

A friend and I cleaned up a bit at her place and then she came back to my house and helped me clean up here -- made it seem like we'd accomplished something and I felt heaps better knowing I'd actually managed to vaccuum. Its just so hard for me to get to do it unless I've got a reason (like someone coming over). Oh, and had lunch at Maccers. Not exactly a hugely marvelous lunch out, but kinda felt like we were treating ourselves.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Ryan did a huge wee on his couch. I'm going to have to watch him with colder weather. Blew my stack at him because he wouldn't let me put a skivvy on and kept telling me "No!". Wish that word wasn't in his vocabulary. I think the morning rates a 3, but perhaps I'm being too hard on myself -- we're doing an at-home day and I've managed to get some washing going in the dryer to try and dry Ryan's couch... We'll see.
Day-rating: 2

Wednesday
Group was okay today. Bounced in feeling quite good at the beginning and then slowly felt worse. Guess because of the Losses and Gains of motherhood that we talked about. Trouble is that I could relate to every single loss but not all of the gains. Some of the gains I felt like I'd failed. Started on the "terrible mother" talk in the head and kept spiralling down. Exhausted by the end of the day and exhausted by the couples session. Could barely think straight at that time of night.
Day-rating: 3

Thursday
Starting of a meltdown. Teary, blew my stack at the kids a couple of times. Just not good. Is it because I've got my period and I just feel like I need more personal space and time to just change my tampons/pads etc? Or is it the elbows in the boobs when they're already sore? Or is it hormones? Or is it being over 30?
Day-rating: 2

Friday
Total meltdown. Convinced I am a child abuser and am according to the definitions at the centre where the group is being held. Ended up in a crying soggy mess on the kitchen floor when Darren got home and couldn't talk to him about it. Finally confessed on Saturday morning.
Day-rating: 1

Week ending Feb 20

Monday
Not too bad a day. Worried about Caitlyn's snotty nose, but she was alright at day care. Visited a friend of a friend's with a new baby (2 weeks) and talked about all kinds of things, including sex, relationships etc. It was sooooo nice!! Haven't done it in so long, I'd almost forgotten what its like.

My hearing test went okay. There's been some deterioration in my left ear around the same range as my right which is why things have been sounding odd. The Audiologist was really good and he said a hearing aid really wouldn't help the type of loss I've got. He suggested taking it easy and reserving energy and simply having a quiet time with no sound or minimal sound -- relaxing time to just re-group and re-vitalise. Guess burying myself in my book for an hour or so every day is okay! And no wonder I cope less well on the weekend with the constant noise from TV, Darren and the kids. The audiologist said I could concentrate on one sound at a time and that's all. Kinda depressing -- means the social calendar will be difficult. But at least I know now.
Day-rating: 4

Tuesday
Not a really brilliant day. Can't really remember what happened. End of the day was great though -- Ryan did wees in the potty! :) Felt a bit less of a failure after that.
Day-rating: 3

Wednesday
Morning at the PND group. Kids settled into Turra-Tots okay and I think if I'm going to use occasional care in the future it will be there. Then we stopped at Wahroonga park to let the kids run around. Think I let Caitlyn get too cold... Both of them so worn out they barely ate dinner which was just vegemite toast anyway. Quiet day at home tomorrow.
Day-rating: 4

Thursday
Spent all morning cleaning the potty after a few drizzles of wee. Ryan's got this idea that its fun to flush the toilet and will do so several times after pouring in the wee but recognises that Mummy's not impressed when he does it without a wee -- so he does little wees in the potty and goes and dumps them -- like 5 in a row, or more. And each time I've got to disinfect the pot and the loo (cos he inevitably splashes) and its driving me nuts!

Keep getting these breathless feelings and feeling like I'm going to go mad if the kids come near me one more time. I think its panic-attacks. Might ask at the group next week. I'm so sick of being angry. I'm so sick of yelling. I'm so sick of feeling tired and worn down all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like its a constant war with the kids.

Changed the sheets on the bed and feel a bit better. Should go fold washing while the kids are sleeping. Resent doing chores while they're quiet and its quiet. Want to just have a rest on my own doing something that's not related to them. Sorted out some more books in the garage trying to find the 3rd book in the Julian May series I'm reading. Instead, found a bunch of Terry Pratchett which I KNOW will make my mindset more positive. I love his wry character Rincewind -- I totally grok him!
Day-rating: 3

Friday
Had a great day at playgroup -- bussed there and back and the kids were fairly okay on the way home. Caitlyn didn't sleep for long enough, I don't think. Darren was a bit late home. Felt a bit stretched by the time he did get back, but decided not to hold back dinner for the kids. They had leftover strog and actually ate most of it.
Day-rating: 4

Week ending Feb 13

Monday
Kids went to family day care as usual. Caitlyn very clingy and I had difficulty letting her go and hated seeing her cry. But I guess the way they greeted me at the end of the day was excellent! Caitlyn had the biggest grin and wouldn't let me go. Ryan was pretty insistent too.

Went to a friend's in the afternoon and watched a girlie movie. Was good... Hope she wasn't too put out by my turning up, but I brought food...
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Stayed at home -- was really hot. We didn't do much. Sense of not wanting to get out from under the blankets... No explosions that I remember, but an overall sense of just wanting to hide. Battled with Ryan about using the toilet again. Its a constant war.
Day-rating: 2

Wednesday
Wanted to hide away again today. Stayed at home and skipped Mother's group. Another Mum rang and we chatted for a bit which was good.
Day-rating: 2

Thursday
An old school friend rang me today! She's off to Sydney then Paris tonight and to Cambridge for 3 years. WOW! Its really incredible and so amazing! She's so lucky. Overall feeling of wanting to hide still. Couldn't hear my friend well on the phone so now wondering if my hearing has a lot to do with this hiding feeling. Looking forward to Playgroup tomorrow.
Day-rating: 2

Friday
Playgroup was great! Leader's hubby got a job so she was so happy. I made a big effort to talk to most people and tried to be up. And I think I was. Came crashing down this afternoon -- cardmaking was cancelled. Now I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. And Darren was planning on watching wrestling, so I don't want to mess up his night. Forgot to ask Carolyn about babysitters. Perhaps I'll go do the shopping.
AM-rating: 5
PM-rating: 2

Week ending Feb 6

Monday
Feeling REALLY flat today. Poor Caitlyn's getting more teeth and feeling a bit woeful. I have to leave soon to pick the kids up. At least I got to Medicare to get money back to pay for family day care today! Totally blew the shopping budget this week... Need to swing by Westleigh and see about getting some sausages for the kids for tea tonight and for the rest of the fortnight.

Exchanged Caitlyn's Christmas outfit from Mum today and got something in a size 2. Will last a bit longer than the other one. Ran into an old neighbour at the shops today. Must remember to call her up and arrange to have a cuppa sometime. She's lovely and I miss living next door. Would have been excellent support with the kids. She's seriously considering selling up -- the son of the landlord next door is being a right pain and she'd rather move than deal with him anymore. She's come into a bit of money and has plans for lots of trips around the place, especially Tasmania. She looks well but a bit tired.
Day-rating: 3

Tuesday
Okay, today was going to be interesting cos Darren had to go in to do a 9:30-6 shift. It was okay til this afternoon. Total meltdown over dinner. Kids wouldn't eat what I made. Don't know why I bothered. Yelled at Caitlyn and slapped her hand for turning up her plate and spilling everything on her tray -- just want to curl up and die somewhere. She cried lots. Ryan tried to suck up. Told him the way to make Mummy happy was to eat some meat. I'm so SICK of throwing perfectly good food away! Why do I bother even making it?? Why do I bother SERVING it to them when I know all they'll eat is rice? How the hell you're supposed to get a balanced diet into a 16 month old and a 3 year old, I don't know...
Day-rating: 2

Wednesday
Felt awful this morning. Wanted to stay in bed with my head under the blankets. The feeling persisted all day and I had to very sternly talk myself into ringing up Mother's group and asking them to come over here. It was good to have had other people about to stop me from yelling at the kids (hence the day rating of 2 not 1). Otherwise, today was an all time low with buckets of tears being wept at inopportune moments. Ryan was fairly good and came and stroked my hair and cuddled and kissed me when I was crying. Still didn't get him to eat his dinner. Darren's leaving me the car tomorrow and I should get out of the house. Playgroup on Friday -- counting down the days.
Day-rating: 2

Thursday
I think today took the cake. Caitlyn got out onto the road without me knowing. A stranger came down the street as I was screaming down the driveway with Caitlyn in her arms. I was to pieces imagining what could have happened. When I got in the car to go to Colleen's, I just sat there for a few minutes and thought it would be so easy to close the garage door and leave the engine running. Except Ryan and Caitlyn didn't deserve to die with me. And I was supposed to pick up Darren from work. How stupid is it that the thought of picking up my husband from work is what decided me that I shouldn't do it. And how much easier would it have been to automatically put the kids back in the house and go back into the garage and do it if he had been coming home another way.

So... I wanted to die. I made it to Colleen's on autopilot, probably driving more carefully because I was absolutely over the top over Caitlyn's grand adventure. I don't deserve children. I don't deserve to be a mother if I let this happen.
Day-rating: 1

Friday
Made it to playgroup on the bus after Caitlyn had had a sleep this morning. It was all good and Ryan was very excited to see their friends coming up the street from their bus. Ryan was pretty good on the bus, as was Caitlyn. Took the pram and managed really well. Might need to find an umbrella stroller to take on the bus and get rid of the pram, I think. Its just too bulky.

Ryan was accused of biting, scratching or somehow causing some injury to another child's face. I don't know what happened. Ryan doesn't bite, may have scratched (but I cut his fingernails the other day because they were getting long) or may have pushed this child, but I really doubt he did anything else. His mother just assumed and kicked up a huge stink. So now I'm relegated to sitting in the music room with the playgroup leaderand helping out with stories and songs. Which is fine. I'll bring along my Useful Book and and Play School songs CD and maybe we can do some new ones. Maybe I could read some of the Dr Suess books. Or the Going on a Bearhunt song...

Thank goodness playgroup is going again. I'm so happy! Its going to be great. I just hope Ryan continues to get better with language so if something like that happens again, I can come to his defence.

Day-rating: 4

Support Services

Beyond Blue: post natal depression
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/postnataldepression/

Not necessarily intuitive to find this site. Also not necessarily all that useful, except to blow the trumpet of the government initatives about Post Natal Depression and general depression awareness. Information about support services is relatively easy to find for each state and territory in Australia.

In my experience, half the battle was getting someone to help and actually do something beyond referring me to a psychiatrist. Personally a psychiatrist wasn't the answer; I wanted pro-active things to do beyond someone just listening to my story and yawning at appropriate moments. Now I know the system, I'm better prepared for how to tackle the problem of getting myself listened to. Of course, actually asking for help is half the battle and when the person you ask doesn't bend over backwards to help you get the help you need and you end up chasing your tail through all the different arms of government support, it is far too easy to give up. DON'T! If you think you have a problem, keep telling people until someone points you in the right direction.

In NSW and nationwide, the Dona Maria Pre and Postnatal Support Network is available through a local-call number: 1300 555 578. This services is provided by St John of God Hospital in NSW.

Information for other states, including websites can be found in the Resources section of the Beyond Blue website under Postnatal Depression Information.